so just like that, i turn 23
it was one with the people i love with all my heart, right next to me, so in many ways it's pretty amazing.
i have with me a small piece of quiet i felt like writing something, anything
today talking to my brother made me happy. i miss him a lot.
early morning after my run, my little brother lifted his head, stare at me, groggily said happy birthday and continue watching cartoons.
my little brother is not little anymore, but i am very proud of him.
brothers are pretty cool to have, i guess, once the rivalry phase is over. they are the boys you can love with all your heart without being afraid of getting hurt. they are the boys who know you in and out good and ugly yet love you all the same. they don't throw weird tantrums. they eat pizza and your leftovers. they carry things. i think they would stand by me if i need them to?
today i spent a quiet afternoon over my grandma's place, the home i grew up in. we talked about me. and while she napped i drink a hot cocoa, read a lovely book and dozed off a little while after. i woke up feeling so peaceful i thought i couldn't be any happier than that moment.
i made a wish and blew out the candles. it's a secret. i had some cake but it wasn't too good.
*
break was good. i read a lot, fell in love with stories about WWII, horses and cowboys, cute love stories. i finally got to read some jane austen and didn't fancy mr darcy like the whole world did- mind games, egoistic and playing coy? nahhh ;) i saw some places, took plenty of long rides on buses, had fun watching The Elf on christmas eve, and had a white christmas. i love the sweet glutinous balls for winter solstice- it's so different but so good. i gained pounds, and thought it was worth it. i am trying to eat alot of home food, so delicious.
*
i ate my cake and thought. i would have my cake too.
tomorrow alot of things would be different.
sometimes i think, there is so much baggage in people. i am not generally cynical about goodness and kindness but i have been saying to myself again and again and again, you have gotta be careful putting your heart out there, really. sometimes it's not the intention of others to hurt us on purpose but you'd still be hurt in the process. for if i have one wish i'd wish for everything to be simple.
take a respite, heart.
*
being an extremely goal driven person, i don't intent to keep any resolutions for 2011.
my ambition : to be happy.
screw those baggages and complicated business.
may 2011 be the year, i learn how to love and be happy.
going to bed, going to talk to the universe, going to sleep in.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
clean house and holiday cheer
it's been some time since i woke up at 3am, with last night's bedtime reading popping into mind which excites me a little too much, so i kept myself bundled under covers and read for another few hours before my tummy starts protesting. so fun. I am reading Sarah's Key, a book about the holocaust in 1942 which bothers me ALOT but it's so good. i picked up the book last night, what else could make me happier than knowing a book i placed an order has arrived in the bookstore, and.. right after exam! grin.
it's also been some time since i have all the time in the world to work out properly and also at a comfortable pace. 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill, another half an hour of strength exercises and wrapping all up with glorious stretching. so much running this few months and my muscles are practically as stiff as plastic. i really enjoyed my work out today.
and feeling hypermotivated, i then thoroughly sorted through the one year stuff i accumulated. backed up all the files on the computer, placing paper material into their rightful binders, throw out all the non essential stuff, and cleared all 9 pigeon holes on me shelf. scrubbed the toilet clean, climbed high and low and tackled all cobwebs and got my wardrobe straighten out, which is one elephantine task. wrote up a post mortem, and felt bad for the attitude i had towards the subjects i don't fancy during the semester--really need to get that attitude iron out because there will be so many things that i don't necessarily like in medicine but i have to put in good effort because it's for me to be a safe doctor! girl please understand this already.
5 hours after and i am done. so satisfying. muscle ache feels fun.
-------------
recently life presented with a few cirumstances which felt so familiar in an uncanny way. it's like giving the 23 year old me another chance to handle them, after the foibles i made when i was 4-5 years younger. i was surprised and at the same time felt at peace with my my decisions this time around, which made me realized how i have grown and changed so much in these years. Mom told me many times regarding how i have changed alot, i don't know in a good or bad way, but i certainly hope it's for the better.
i noticed how people around me changed and adapted to the cirle of friends they often hang out with, their personality, their paradigms through which they see the world just took a radical 180 degree change, perhaps it's natural since we are at a pretty impressionable age. the influence is so tangible it made me think about what kind of person i want to become and how other people might change or influence who i am, my decisions and my outlook. i am a believer of not compromising certain values that is of utmost importance to oneself, but how often do people really hold on to that? how frequent do people succumb under peer pressure because it's the path of least resistance? and after days and months and years of succumbing, there surely will be a different person at the other end of the tunnel, isn't that right? so choosing my friends wisely might be the crucial determining factor of my future.
i am talking about this because recently, a girlfriend and I talked about her wanting leave a circle of friends because toxicity in the group of people has really taken a toll on her. i applauded her courage to make a bold decision to leave, and was proud that she's strong and awesome as a girl. she would probably have to be alone for some time before she finds the people who would support her dreams and visions, but hell, i think it might be the greatest decision she has even made in this year.
i guess, sometimes you just have to sit down with a cup of coffee, and, really think for yourself and your future--- accepting anything lesser than the best is just .. not worth the ride.
go catch the trade wind in your sails, like mark twain says. love the girl.
it's also been some time since i have all the time in the world to work out properly and also at a comfortable pace. 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill, another half an hour of strength exercises and wrapping all up with glorious stretching. so much running this few months and my muscles are practically as stiff as plastic. i really enjoyed my work out today.
and feeling hypermotivated, i then thoroughly sorted through the one year stuff i accumulated. backed up all the files on the computer, placing paper material into their rightful binders, throw out all the non essential stuff, and cleared all 9 pigeon holes on me shelf. scrubbed the toilet clean, climbed high and low and tackled all cobwebs and got my wardrobe straighten out, which is one elephantine task. wrote up a post mortem, and felt bad for the attitude i had towards the subjects i don't fancy during the semester--really need to get that attitude iron out because there will be so many things that i don't necessarily like in medicine but i have to put in good effort because it's for me to be a safe doctor! girl please understand this already.
5 hours after and i am done. so satisfying. muscle ache feels fun.
-------------
recently life presented with a few cirumstances which felt so familiar in an uncanny way. it's like giving the 23 year old me another chance to handle them, after the foibles i made when i was 4-5 years younger. i was surprised and at the same time felt at peace with my my decisions this time around, which made me realized how i have grown and changed so much in these years. Mom told me many times regarding how i have changed alot, i don't know in a good or bad way, but i certainly hope it's for the better.
i noticed how people around me changed and adapted to the cirle of friends they often hang out with, their personality, their paradigms through which they see the world just took a radical 180 degree change, perhaps it's natural since we are at a pretty impressionable age. the influence is so tangible it made me think about what kind of person i want to become and how other people might change or influence who i am, my decisions and my outlook. i am a believer of not compromising certain values that is of utmost importance to oneself, but how often do people really hold on to that? how frequent do people succumb under peer pressure because it's the path of least resistance? and after days and months and years of succumbing, there surely will be a different person at the other end of the tunnel, isn't that right? so choosing my friends wisely might be the crucial determining factor of my future.
i am talking about this because recently, a girlfriend and I talked about her wanting leave a circle of friends because toxicity in the group of people has really taken a toll on her. i applauded her courage to make a bold decision to leave, and was proud that she's strong and awesome as a girl. she would probably have to be alone for some time before she finds the people who would support her dreams and visions, but hell, i think it might be the greatest decision she has even made in this year.
i guess, sometimes you just have to sit down with a cup of coffee, and, really think for yourself and your future--- accepting anything lesser than the best is just .. not worth the ride.
go catch the trade wind in your sails, like mark twain says. love the girl.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
last one down :)
exhaustion finally sets in. i still have another paper tomorrow morning, i sure hope i don't fail this one. i have been cringing at the amount of mistakes for the first part of the paper, it's funny at first but not funny already.
today i had my eye exams, it went swimmingly. although ophthalmology not being exactly my cup of tea, over the long preparation period i definitely learnt loads, cleared up alot of muddled concepts and consolidated alot of important ideas. i am happy because at least i learnt something. now i need one hundred interesting books to make it up for the dry days.
need to tuck in now to say a long prayer so that i pass my exams tomorrow! no kidding.
what makes me happy- book shopping for holiday readings, i have a massive lists! so stoked.
today i had my eye exams, it went swimmingly. although ophthalmology not being exactly my cup of tea, over the long preparation period i definitely learnt loads, cleared up alot of muddled concepts and consolidated alot of important ideas. i am happy because at least i learnt something. now i need one hundred interesting books to make it up for the dry days.
need to tuck in now to say a long prayer so that i pass my exams tomorrow! no kidding.
what makes me happy- book shopping for holiday readings, i have a massive lists! so stoked.
Friday, December 10, 2010
about The Ultramarathon Man
enjoyed reading the first part of Dean Karnazes' first book- The Ultramarathon man tonight.
awed.
i have always thought running is his professional life, was surprised by the fact that he, like all of us, has a job to go to at 8am, a wife and two kids, and aging parents to be taken care of. his austere schedule being getting up at 4am and run 3 hours (a marathon) before sending his kids to school and get to work by 8am. Working straight through lunch time so that he can leave work early and run for another hour, before getting home to his family. spending saturdays and sundays running in the night for more than 8 hours, inspiring the world with his feats.
his diet is exceptionally stellar. with his NO 3 WHITES rule - no white carbs, white sugar and white shortenings(being hydrogenated fat). not even birthday cake on his kids' bday because of sugar. exceptionally clean. in short, just 5 salmons per week with organic salads and whole grains. THAT IS ALL. no complaints of cravings, demanding for variety or whatever. i can't even comment on the weight training regime and runs because they are unfathomable. 400 sit ups per day? let me faint
i read about his 100 miles badwater and westcoast run,which he put it so beautifully in words it feels as though i am out there doing the trails. the emotions in distance running is indescribable most of the time, and when some one could put down words so perfectly, it's amazing.
Quote Karno
Covering 100 miles on foot was more than a lesson in survival, it was an education on the grace of living. Running is a solo sport, but it was no longer about me anymore; i become almost irrelevant. My struggles were not about a single runner trying to finsih this unfathomable challenge but about the greater ability of a human being to persevere against insurmountable odds. The many supporters who'd procided encouragement and strength along the way didnt really care about me per se-hell, they didnt even know who I was, What they cared about was that a person had taken the time to train, and sacrifice, and dedicate himself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of a dream. It was a powerful message; I was just the host. And proud to be. Upholding my end of the commitment meant crossing the finish line, and I was now going to make damn sure that happened. For all of us.
Thanks Mr Legend, and yes, for all of us. you are stronger than you think you are.
'If it comes easy, if it doesnt require extraordinary effort, you're not pushing hard enough: It's supposed to hurt like hell.'
----------------------------------------
good break before the next stretch of exams prep. gonna fix a longrun in tomorrow to get my supply of adrenaline, and i think there should be a pretty beetroot juice after!!
happy and excited, so goodnight!
awed.
i have always thought running is his professional life, was surprised by the fact that he, like all of us, has a job to go to at 8am, a wife and two kids, and aging parents to be taken care of. his austere schedule being getting up at 4am and run 3 hours (a marathon) before sending his kids to school and get to work by 8am. Working straight through lunch time so that he can leave work early and run for another hour, before getting home to his family. spending saturdays and sundays running in the night for more than 8 hours, inspiring the world with his feats.
his diet is exceptionally stellar. with his NO 3 WHITES rule - no white carbs, white sugar and white shortenings(being hydrogenated fat). not even birthday cake on his kids' bday because of sugar. exceptionally clean. in short, just 5 salmons per week with organic salads and whole grains. THAT IS ALL. no complaints of cravings, demanding for variety or whatever. i can't even comment on the weight training regime and runs because they are unfathomable. 400 sit ups per day? let me faint
i read about his 100 miles badwater and westcoast run,which he put it so beautifully in words it feels as though i am out there doing the trails. the emotions in distance running is indescribable most of the time, and when some one could put down words so perfectly, it's amazing.
Quote Karno
Covering 100 miles on foot was more than a lesson in survival, it was an education on the grace of living. Running is a solo sport, but it was no longer about me anymore; i become almost irrelevant. My struggles were not about a single runner trying to finsih this unfathomable challenge but about the greater ability of a human being to persevere against insurmountable odds. The many supporters who'd procided encouragement and strength along the way didnt really care about me per se-hell, they didnt even know who I was, What they cared about was that a person had taken the time to train, and sacrifice, and dedicate himself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of a dream. It was a powerful message; I was just the host. And proud to be. Upholding my end of the commitment meant crossing the finish line, and I was now going to make damn sure that happened. For all of us.
Thanks Mr Legend, and yes, for all of us. you are stronger than you think you are.
'If it comes easy, if it doesnt require extraordinary effort, you're not pushing hard enough: It's supposed to hurt like hell.'
----------------------------------------
good break before the next stretch of exams prep. gonna fix a longrun in tomorrow to get my supply of adrenaline, and i think there should be a pretty beetroot juice after!!
happy and excited, so goodnight!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
for a break, i reminisced
when i was a kid, i have always imagine winter as a season of huddling in the heaviest comforter, with a piping hot coffee next to me, with a beautiful book. and snow. snow so light and soft and so beautiful which feels like fairy tales. when i was a kid, i play make-believe alot, because i read too much. i spent more time reading than i live in reality, which worried my parents big time.
when i grew up, when i was 21 and in the midst of all shenanigans in medical school, the winter dreams came true. i was overwhelmed with happiness when i saw my first snow, throughout winter i secretly peered down the backyards of my neighbours, entranced with the act of them shoveling snow. i went outside to run in the middle of winter when i can't take anymore treadmilling, decked out in 3 layers of running clothes, leggings, gloves and scarfs, looking all badass. i sprained both my ankles, slipped countless of times, and came home with snot, ruddy cheeks and red eyes, plus happiness, so much of happiness. sometimes with some butternut squash and winter veges to be roasted for some post-running fuel. my brother and i ran into a 'snowstorm' when we were in paris disneyland, it was massive massive good times, i went on all the rides because the cold became more terrifying than 20 stories hotel hollywood horror, and i went penniless buying hot chocolates for both of us.
on the other note, winter has always been harsh. reality was not storybooks or hot chocolates, but inches and inches of readings to be done because final exams always had to be the extreme killjoy, and stress, boy do they run wild. and walking miles and waiting for the buses to go to work at dawn- so that i could see places over christmas(and feed my scary obsession for theaters), getting my fingers frozen over while washing alot of bums and poos, feeling hungry when feeding patients, sure sucks. getting stranded in airports sucks big time. honestly, i really really hate the cold.
with winter pictures here and there, i didn't really miss it a bit, well, apart from that little corner in my room facing the east where i could see the sun rises everyday after spending hours working on my desk--it's really pretty. it's my motivation to work harder and made me smile all the time.
yeah, winter is only really pretty in enid blytons. that is why reading is fun.
*
wrote this for a sensory break after reading for 4 hours through, this is one toughie but i got to the last day of preparation already, jusa wee bit more
now to work out for a good sweat and getting rejuv. a few more hours of drilling and i am done, i can do this, go me go! :) you, have a pleasant day too.
when i grew up, when i was 21 and in the midst of all shenanigans in medical school, the winter dreams came true. i was overwhelmed with happiness when i saw my first snow, throughout winter i secretly peered down the backyards of my neighbours, entranced with the act of them shoveling snow. i went outside to run in the middle of winter when i can't take anymore treadmilling, decked out in 3 layers of running clothes, leggings, gloves and scarfs, looking all badass. i sprained both my ankles, slipped countless of times, and came home with snot, ruddy cheeks and red eyes, plus happiness, so much of happiness. sometimes with some butternut squash and winter veges to be roasted for some post-running fuel. my brother and i ran into a 'snowstorm' when we were in paris disneyland, it was massive massive good times, i went on all the rides because the cold became more terrifying than 20 stories hotel hollywood horror, and i went penniless buying hot chocolates for both of us.
on the other note, winter has always been harsh. reality was not storybooks or hot chocolates, but inches and inches of readings to be done because final exams always had to be the extreme killjoy, and stress, boy do they run wild. and walking miles and waiting for the buses to go to work at dawn- so that i could see places over christmas(and feed my scary obsession for theaters), getting my fingers frozen over while washing alot of bums and poos, feeling hungry when feeding patients, sure sucks. getting stranded in airports sucks big time. honestly, i really really hate the cold.
with winter pictures here and there, i didn't really miss it a bit, well, apart from that little corner in my room facing the east where i could see the sun rises everyday after spending hours working on my desk--it's really pretty. it's my motivation to work harder and made me smile all the time.
yeah, winter is only really pretty in enid blytons. that is why reading is fun.
*
wrote this for a sensory break after reading for 4 hours through, this is one toughie but i got to the last day of preparation already, jusa wee bit more
now to work out for a good sweat and getting rejuv. a few more hours of drilling and i am done, i can do this, go me go! :) you, have a pleasant day too.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
exams :)
twas a great weekend, despite it being centered around exams prep.
mom and little brother came over and they kept things mellow around the apartment. i had them getting me lunch and dinner, so much good food, hehe thank you :D i miss them.
saturday i did a pretty good 'recoverery' run for an hour in the botanicals, i just ran on the flat route and stayed off the hills, it was painless! imagine my happiness. the knees still gets warm after awhile though. i hope things get back to normal in another week.
got some beet juice post run, so so good. i see a big obsession looming.
a new CD for my car, major happiness because those poignant sad songs are my favourites
and i found a new blog to follow, love the whole theme and ideas, and feels so 'me'. made me so happy.
rejuvenated. can't wait to get back into routines, same food same run same old thing, nice :)
bedtime, exam tomorrow and a busy week ahead, hello luck! stay with me, haha. :)
mom and little brother came over and they kept things mellow around the apartment. i had them getting me lunch and dinner, so much good food, hehe thank you :D i miss them.
saturday i did a pretty good 'recoverery' run for an hour in the botanicals, i just ran on the flat route and stayed off the hills, it was painless! imagine my happiness. the knees still gets warm after awhile though. i hope things get back to normal in another week.
got some beet juice post run, so so good. i see a big obsession looming.
a new CD for my car, major happiness because those poignant sad songs are my favourites
and i found a new blog to follow, love the whole theme and ideas, and feels so 'me'. made me so happy.
rejuvenated. can't wait to get back into routines, same food same run same old thing, nice :)
bedtime, exam tomorrow and a busy week ahead, hello luck! stay with me, haha. :)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
2010 a.k.a virgin marathon year in review :)
today i have a tough to-do list for the morning (to me it's tough haha), but i ninja kicked it, with some help from coffee, lots of beans and peanut bars. coffee calms my studying heart, i'm not kidding. ;)
i woke up to a Hello December on tumblr, and i was ... startled. seriously, where did the year go?
did i become a better person?
did i seize the year?
i calmed my heart with another coffee.
the year has started off being extremely busy and challenging, with alot of trepidations.
there was the day i alighted from the plane that brought me back to the place i love most, i remember feeling overjoyed like never before. that was the first day when i ran under a real sun until my lungs burnt and my skin scalded under the unforgiving rays, for hours and hours on. i was badly burnt, it was a really stupid thing to do, but funny how i am glad i gave in to madness because that feeling of happiness felt so tangible now.
followed on was the days i learnt to blend into my new bed, arranged all my favourite books on the shelf, which made me happy; on a hot sunday afternoon before school starts i gingerly stepped into a place that reek of antiseptic, and felt forever indebted to a person that taught me so much. i learnt how to fit my running schedule into days of early mornings, days when the treadmill broke and i made new friends in the field. i learnt how to drive, and try to make peace with the traffic, a little more to go. and then, medicine learning took such a sharp turn and everything was different, so much better than ever before. it was hard work, more demanding than the preclinical years but i didn't quite mind the work, because it was lively and everything felt.. real. the sheer thought that learning equals equipping myself with knowledge that could help save people was exciting. i had fun, so much fun; somehow the social life had to be put on the back burner, as i wanted to spend whatever the time i have to see my family, i don't know other ways to do this, so lousy friend it is. tough life haha.
then came the marathon training for a crazy 8 months, one of the toughest thing i signed myself up for. it was plenty of hard work, in a really good way. it took up so much of energy and time i'd have to plan my days and eats extra carefully. over the months of training i slowly learnt to go by with less sleep, and decided to tuck in by 9 at night just so i could get more work done in the mornings before i run for 8km, the distance would made me so tired. i learnt to kept eating through the mornings in the hospital haha and while bingeing on protein i went easy on the carbs, because they kept the energy shooting through the roof. rice to me became like sleeping pills. i learnt about the magic of spinach shake which is really really raw and gross, i learnt how coffee made me run so much better haha. at one point(at many actually) i wanted to just throw in the towel and stop doing this 26.2 thing because i felt like i can die. my period decided to change their cycle and only visit when i stop running for at least 2 days. it came 3 times in the last eleven months when i stop running so hard for a few days and i think i discover my physiological Pill :D ah, but too much work. after 8 months of 2-3 hour runs in botanical garden i made a few 'wavinghand' friendship with amazing people and fell in love with that place, it's so beautiful and calm at dawn. one day i want to go there as a traveller just to enjoy the place once more, not as a runner. one day :)
at the mark of 35km and gulping down the last energy gel i brought along during the marathon, i was overwhelmed with so much emotions i broke down and cried like an idiot. hiccuping and trying to pace my breath is not easy at all haha. crying was from so much happiness knowing i will survive- 7km more to go and i was so confident this 7km will be the easiest thing in the world right there right then, i could nail this. i had absolutely nothing to hang on to, there was no one on the road with me at that point, i had no pacer, there was no music, i had no more water or gel if i need one, my glycogen level is totally beyond empty, my lungs are burning, whenever i unblock my mind to try to gauge the level of pain i was feeling- i wanted to cry. it was bad, seriously, i felt like my knees could pop and i could fracture my hip in one more step. i decided to ignore all sensations, it was crazy .... because it was possible to do so. i put on a game face at 37 and decided to go for sub 4:30, and i made the sub 4:30 thank you god best gift in the 22 years of my life, very sure. running this marathon made me realised how lonely and scary the road can be, during running as well as life itself, especially when the going gets tough and people will trickle away, one by one. the only thing you can hold on for dear life at that point when you lost everything you thought would be your companion- your energy, your gels, probably your friends, family and everything you have, the only only only thing that you are left with is just the little voice inside you. the tiny voice back there that would always be with you no matter what happens, no matter what you become and how alone you are.. the hero that mariah carey has been talking about.
and this year the greatest thing i learnt among so many things i have learnt, is that the little voice is my best and truest friend.
she's probably the only thing i dare to love with all my heart and soul because she stays, she has never abandon me at any point in life, and she's the only constant in such a fickle world. when i was weak and wanted to give up, i know who to turn to.
they always say a marathon is life changing.
i don't know, to me it just felt like killing a huge monster.
like what Alice did in Alice the Wonderland, ya know?
December is my favourite month, mom is visiting tonight with new books, such a goood omen haha. off day today because i want to annoy my mom and my little brother.
such a beautiful year. sigh.
i woke up to a Hello December on tumblr, and i was ... startled. seriously, where did the year go?
did i become a better person?
did i seize the year?
i calmed my heart with another coffee.
the year has started off being extremely busy and challenging, with alot of trepidations.
there was the day i alighted from the plane that brought me back to the place i love most, i remember feeling overjoyed like never before. that was the first day when i ran under a real sun until my lungs burnt and my skin scalded under the unforgiving rays, for hours and hours on. i was badly burnt, it was a really stupid thing to do, but funny how i am glad i gave in to madness because that feeling of happiness felt so tangible now.
followed on was the days i learnt to blend into my new bed, arranged all my favourite books on the shelf, which made me happy; on a hot sunday afternoon before school starts i gingerly stepped into a place that reek of antiseptic, and felt forever indebted to a person that taught me so much. i learnt how to fit my running schedule into days of early mornings, days when the treadmill broke and i made new friends in the field. i learnt how to drive, and try to make peace with the traffic, a little more to go. and then, medicine learning took such a sharp turn and everything was different, so much better than ever before. it was hard work, more demanding than the preclinical years but i didn't quite mind the work, because it was lively and everything felt.. real. the sheer thought that learning equals equipping myself with knowledge that could help save people was exciting. i had fun, so much fun; somehow the social life had to be put on the back burner, as i wanted to spend whatever the time i have to see my family, i don't know other ways to do this, so lousy friend it is. tough life haha.
then came the marathon training for a crazy 8 months, one of the toughest thing i signed myself up for. it was plenty of hard work, in a really good way. it took up so much of energy and time i'd have to plan my days and eats extra carefully. over the months of training i slowly learnt to go by with less sleep, and decided to tuck in by 9 at night just so i could get more work done in the mornings before i run for 8km, the distance would made me so tired. i learnt to kept eating through the mornings in the hospital haha and while bingeing on protein i went easy on the carbs, because they kept the energy shooting through the roof. rice to me became like sleeping pills. i learnt about the magic of spinach shake which is really really raw and gross, i learnt how coffee made me run so much better haha. at one point(at many actually) i wanted to just throw in the towel and stop doing this 26.2 thing because i felt like i can die. my period decided to change their cycle and only visit when i stop running for at least 2 days. it came 3 times in the last eleven months when i stop running so hard for a few days and i think i discover my physiological Pill :D ah, but too much work. after 8 months of 2-3 hour runs in botanical garden i made a few 'wavinghand' friendship with amazing people and fell in love with that place, it's so beautiful and calm at dawn. one day i want to go there as a traveller just to enjoy the place once more, not as a runner. one day :)
at the mark of 35km and gulping down the last energy gel i brought along during the marathon, i was overwhelmed with so much emotions i broke down and cried like an idiot. hiccuping and trying to pace my breath is not easy at all haha. crying was from so much happiness knowing i will survive- 7km more to go and i was so confident this 7km will be the easiest thing in the world right there right then, i could nail this. i had absolutely nothing to hang on to, there was no one on the road with me at that point, i had no pacer, there was no music, i had no more water or gel if i need one, my glycogen level is totally beyond empty, my lungs are burning, whenever i unblock my mind to try to gauge the level of pain i was feeling- i wanted to cry. it was bad, seriously, i felt like my knees could pop and i could fracture my hip in one more step. i decided to ignore all sensations, it was crazy .... because it was possible to do so. i put on a game face at 37 and decided to go for sub 4:30, and i made the sub 4:30 thank you god best gift in the 22 years of my life, very sure. running this marathon made me realised how lonely and scary the road can be, during running as well as life itself, especially when the going gets tough and people will trickle away, one by one. the only thing you can hold on for dear life at that point when you lost everything you thought would be your companion- your energy, your gels, probably your friends, family and everything you have, the only only only thing that you are left with is just the little voice inside you. the tiny voice back there that would always be with you no matter what happens, no matter what you become and how alone you are.. the hero that mariah carey has been talking about.
and this year the greatest thing i learnt among so many things i have learnt, is that the little voice is my best and truest friend.
she's probably the only thing i dare to love with all my heart and soul because she stays, she has never abandon me at any point in life, and she's the only constant in such a fickle world. when i was weak and wanted to give up, i know who to turn to.
they always say a marathon is life changing.
i don't know, to me it just felt like killing a huge monster.
like what Alice did in Alice the Wonderland, ya know?
December is my favourite month, mom is visiting tonight with new books, such a goood omen haha. off day today because i want to annoy my mom and my little brother.
such a beautiful year. sigh.
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