will i ever be brave enough.

midyear break, it's been good. i have been calm, telling myself to loosen up, and i napped more than 15minutes. i could even work out leisurely, i can even stretch! goodness, happy stuff.

and i read... like i haven't read in months. overwhelmed. but reading matters. understanding all these unfairness and sadness and sufferings in the world matters. so much respect for the people who are in the arena, who are putting themselves aside and serving others selflessly, fiercely believing that in spite of a problem so huge and daunting, doing their small part matters. it's so Gandhi and idealistic and the cynical side in me wants to close all the tabs and go back to my novels, but i can't.. it hurts to know when i am lucky and good right here, people are dying. because the hospital does not have oxygen, because they don't have enough of the damn ORS. ORS??! because there is not enough drugs for HIV postive children. and because health service is non existant.... :( i don't know, it feels so ridiculous at first to read all that.. but why is it so hard for some people in the world? why is it that a mother only have 2 surviving kids out of 14? why are young girls being forced into sex trade, how can men be so heartless gutless huh why do people die of diarrhoea when it never happen here.

changed my perspective by reading about people who are doing stuff to make a difference and i felt so much better about things. they are angels with wings so huge, they are so courageous and it makes me tear knowing how selfless some people can be. humanity is beautiful. will i grow up to have half of their courage and tenacity? the ability to shed all insulations and to put myself out there to face so much sufferings and unfairness? the help the sickest? to have such amount of faith that i could make a small difference just by doing my part?

i want to grow up to help, but before i can help i need to build up enough within myself, enough courage enough knowledge enough skills enough faith to do all that, and i pray to god that i can grow each day to be all that i can be.

maybe each night i should remember to say a prayer. and also thank all the nice people who help me to be better each day.