final.year. :D

sigh.

2012-01-26T21:53:00.000-08:00

feel awful. did things i am not proud of. got affected badly by things i couldn't control.
left home confused and angry and scared and felt selfish.
wish my break didnt have to end on such awful note.
but beyond my control.
should take a nap.
wake up and read. get lost in my book. finish it up.
plan my weekend.
get dinner.
and hopefully tomorrow comes soon and i will run a long run and everything will be okay.
i will feel better.

heartbreaker

2012-01-19T07:13:00.000-08:00

it's late. but today i saw the most heartbreaking scene ever. the most optimistic lady told me about her really sad multiple sclerosis story, she had frequent total paralysis for the past 26 years and she's totally blind. when she couldn't move, her father took care of her and carry her around. she crawled at home when she couldn't walk. she told me her father is a 70 year old man, and he had a stroke a few years back. i thought he probably would be big and strong to carry this lady around, she aint too small. i love her, she was so cheerful and so nice despite how rough life has been. AND THEN i saw this father an hour later, he came to visit. he was this really old and dark and thin and wrinkly man, with a really really stooped posture and was using a walking cane, walking with SO MUCH difficulty. he brought food for his blind daughter. and the daughter spent the next few hours hurrying the doctor to give her her injection so that 'her father won't need to walk to hospital again, i pity my father'.

their love broke my heart, it broke my heart like never before.

god bless them alot alot alot.

cardiology next!

2012-01-15T08:08:00.000-08:00

beautiful weekend. lots of love. lots of crap junk food, which is like superb. i saw mom and dad and little brother for a few hours, we went praying to late grandpa, it was really nice. then we ate alot of fatty delicious food, i don't remember what but we just kept eating. that's my family :) second day there was a little hike with a good friend, super fun, told each other stories, got in touch with nature, got happy. hiking is such a peaceful thing to do, all i have to do is focus on the next next next step, everything is so calm all around me, a little capsule of peace. :))) so nice. had kfc then worked like mad the whole day, and just got everything settled.

new week, healthier food, new posting, then home to see a few favourite people in my world and do silly stuff. i wonder what. now to sleepppp..

2012 :))

2012-01-12T06:24:00.000-08:00

hyperbusyyyy. but things are really good. i love medical school. im having fun and enjoying things. im tired and my legs are sore all day but i don't really care. i still have so freaking bloody hell infinity amount of stuff to learn.. and trying really hard to catch up. im thankful for super nice specialists who took the extra time to teach us stuff properly. and how we wrote thank you notes :)) i am thankful for amazing group mates who are super nice to work with. i am lucky :))

lots of hard work ahead! i don't mind. it's all good, medicine is goodness.

lots of grace and fun in 2012,
me

2011 looking back and 2012

2011-12-31T07:50:00.000-08:00

made a super quick decision to pack my bags and go home on wednesday, half way through the week, cutting short whatever nonsense elective i signed myself up for.

I spent the next 3 full days with pa, ma, popo and qing. it's exactly what i needed, i rested, ate chinese food till i couldn't breath, slept well, run in cleaner air, talked loud and laughed loud, buy new clothes and then read pretty much all the time. drink alot of fruit juices. didn't unpack.

for my birthday, i ate pumpkin cake and tiramisu cake and didn't feel guilty and then ate some more longevity noodles then took photos and my heart is so so full and i made a little wish.

2011 has been one hell of a year. i learnt so much and studied bleeding hard and aced all my exams (damn sweet) and saw and learnt so many things and toughened up and found my own way through alot of first times. i had my share of tears and was made stronger, and happier. i learnt to care about certain things and stop caring about more things. i learnt to love my family in a different way, i learnt patience, acceptance, facing what is real and rejoicing in the moment that we have, now.

In January, i loved Obgyn so much i poured my heart and soul learning about pregnant ladies and trembled like a kitty watching my first delivery.

March, i started paeds it touched my heart in a lot of ways, i love children alot and felt too much for unfortunate families. i cried in shower after a day in clinics. i was inspired, i felt lost, i pretty much tried my best to teach myself stuff and tried to come out of the posting unscathed. I survived and think i still don't know alot of stuff.. alot of learning to be done when i start working...soon.

End of June i went all the way to KL and ran my second marathon and got my name into the top ten women runner. but the only thing that made me proud was the gruelling 6 months training which i followed through.. all the blisters and early mornings and 30kms. all the pain and i-really-want-to-die. :) all those long hours of alone moments.. sure gonna make sweet memories of this crazy youth.

i started Psychiatry in july and i thank this posting for all that it allowed me to understand the hidden pockets of community in this society that i am not in touch with on my normal day, the anguish of their families, the unfairness of these diseases, the sheer overwhelming side of psychiatry. i admired the amazing community work we have in the country, the sanitorium that still exist, the indefinite patience psychiatrists possessed to face the mundane tasks of long hours clerking, hearing people out, listening to multiple sides of stories, handling unreasonable patient and families... it's not easy..

September was the month of Public health and i hated this posting. i disliked how so much politics come into play and how we are always fearing something, when it's all just a platform for us twenty somethings to learn (and learning sucks btw). i promised myself i do not want to grow to become like my supervisors. i hated the thankless job, it wasn't really about learning how to do things, i hated how everyone started getting neurotic about getting work done faster every single day, hence become freakishly inconsiderate. i felt stifled and my nerves are pretty frayed and i realized alot of things. but this posting was the one i read ALOT (like a total of 20 books) so oh well, PH be damned.

next came exams, done and i went to IJN to see wonderful/mad stuff and got so close(!!!) to the beating heart. i was inspired by the working ethos of so many people there. they are so good. they worked so damn hard i have never seen people working so hard before in my life i swear. i had coffee with consultants and learnt more about the job and i felt so starstruck haha. i hope to grow up to have characters like these. went to UM.. put under a team made up of visionaries who kept trying to push for a better healthcare. it was plentiful of good days, i got closer to my old friend and made several new friends, whom i exchanged material have dinners joined teachings and spent almost 3 weeks in a real hostel and ate with my hands after 8 years. i so wish PMC could have a hostel.

2011 i made really good friends, the few people whom i could talk to about anything under the sun and for that i am so so thankful. they made each day so much better, and easier. i cherish them and hope friendships remain over the coming year. i went for a trip with my old friends, i loved them in so many ways. i met up with several old friends when i was in KL, i love each and every one of them. being with these people make me aspire to be a better person, stronger, more independent, more courageous and they taught me what's important in life. they made me smile and laugh and that's one thing i love.

2011 was super generous to me, i felt loved and taken care for and i was happy alot of time. 2012 is my final year, i can't wait to be back. i want to enjoy this last 6 months of learning as much as i can and get myself prepared for bigger responsibility. after all, it's what i really want to do all along. i am superstitious so i spent the last day of 2011 with Nelson Mandela and i hope his greatness rub off on me. ;)

2011-12-14T01:20:00.000-08:00

i like today. i am so tired but i like today. today when i want to help with an ABG we couldnt feel the patient's pulses and BP werent detectable OOOOPSSSS so started resuscitation. i was so scared because i didn't know anything. so i watched and helped with CPR. i swear im gonna learn my acls well.but the patient died. she was a young stroke not properly worked up. Prof taught everyone about the importance of working up young strokes. today's teaching was extremely good. neurology is < 3

really sorry to patients who have to bear the brunt of my lousy blood taking skills. i promise i would be much better ASAPPPPP huhu

it's a good day, i miss running

of marriage

2011-12-13T01:36:00.000-08:00

i did clinics just now. multiple sclerosis clinics, it's all good.. and emotional. patients came cos they relapsed, and some of them came for injections. the thing i wanted to say is.. half of them came with their husbands, and half without. some with their kids. finished clinics i put my legs up and lay in bed thinking.. hoping.. that if one day i get married.. i hope i will marry someone who would still stay with me if i have MS, when i couldn't move a muscle for many days, when i wobble, could see nothing, have all my spinal cord myelitis-ed and need big girl pampers and smell like pee. i saw a husband talking to the doctor privately as he was worried he might have done something wrong by placing a hot bottle over his wife's back when she had spasms..that was something nicholas spark couldnt compare. another unfortunate woman, her husband left her. nurse and doctor and I talked about it afterwards haha so yeah.. i hope i marry a man who will stay with me even i have MS, or stroke. touchwood

yeah. that was all that i was thinking about throughout clinics. don't judge.

a few happy december things

2011-12-04T14:31:00.000-08:00

last night before bed, mom told me 'a very good news', turn out to be an amazing opportunity given to my younger brother, it made me really excited too, and for that i am grateful. i still feel really excited thinking about it this morning, he must have been over the moon.

i also got really excited reading Donald Miller this weekend and ... i think i am on another reading roll. this is my new author love and i can't stop. reading is indeed one of life greatest pleasure, i truly pity those who don't read. anyway.

i did two long runs over the weekend, morning breeze, early skies, huge strides.. they made me really really happy. running is happiness disguise is pain and running time is me time, just me and the pavement. there's a swing set which i can dry my sweat on and look at my swollen feet in the sky. i felt so calm after

i hope this new week brings forth learning, patience and kindness; strength to get work done and my love for donald miller's writing keeps going strong, rare gem indeed

happy birthday to my very very best friend today. she kicked ass and make hard decisions look like a piece of cake. the other day a crazy message from her after she read a book, made my rough day looks almost trivial besides 'other bigger aims in life'. i love her for that. and so much more. blessings.

2011-11-27T07:48:00.000-08:00

I realized i really love the girl that showed up during moments when life kicked me to a reaaaallllyy messy corner. the best friend that has been such a constant. :)

good weekend, lots of books buying, meeting up old friends and still able to laugh wholeheartedly, a friend being a real inspiration, travel talk, medicine talk.. awww.

being young and hopeful is the best thing ever.

long run tmr!

thankfulness

2011-11-24T07:27:00.000-08:00

for a lot of things.

for being able to settle in pretty well in IJN, for having the chance to see how people work so goddamn hard and get the smallest thing done to its best...and truly understand how much difference this kind of attitude makes towards patient care.

for good food, for food, for free food

for my car

my education...!

my overwhelmingly amazing friends

and for me, stubborn like hell but still.. me.

happy thanksgiving :)

2011-11-21T04:45:00.000-08:00

the kind of day i spent a whole afternoon in clinic, learning not much 'knowledge', but felt like it's one of the most important day ever. i felt really blessed and thankful to be given the chance to spend a few days with people who inspire me, very very much. they help form what i will become in the future. days and people like these are so rare.

love.

17 november

2011-11-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

heart surgery reflects what men can dream and achieve, through hardwork and resilience. it's so beautiful, so wild beyond imagination. they have the best people working here, surgeons who dedicated their whole life to saving hearts.. these are the people who install displaying units in their homes and iphones which are connected right to patients' bed.. to watch over them, you said woww and they tell you, it's really necessary, some people have just that one chance and you miss it and you couldnt give them a second chance. i learnt something.

learning to let go, one day at a time. and learning to dream bigger, a littlebit each day.

happy leeyilin is based in kuching, for the next one year at least.

today i saw a girl getting more excited than me over heart surgery, haha. she was screaming at me after she went in to scrub! i like her immediately, right after she told me she drove all the way from seremban for the past 3 weeks alone.

i quite like this place. i like my supervisor. i like being stupid and know absolutely nothing and trying to learn and relearn things slowly.
night!

November :)

2011-11-03T18:47:00.000-07:00

yesterday i wrote a bummer post and i am glad the internet went downdowndown and i couldn't publish it. :) today i went for a run, i had to hurry before the sun rises so i went without food, and yet i was able to run so strong thankfully. met a good runner friend and had a drink and talked abit, day started beautifully.

the weeks i want gone are gone, i am done with exams and am pretty happy with the amount of effort i put into this, just the right amount before i become overstressed and forget about taking care of myself. this exam was a little booty kicking but it's an education. haha :)

want to enjoy this beautiful day with a good friend who has always been there, and then family, which is..priceless. and then a birthday weekend, to celebrate alot of new beginnings for all of us. looking forwardddd :)

everything will seem insurmountable and impossible until they are done. during morning run to clear my head a little voice from inside gently reminded me about the marathons i have done. each so tough and scary and felt 100% impossible. the moments when i am empty inside out and felt painful everywhere and want to just give up, there is always that one thing which is really magical although i don't know what, that pushes me through. no matter how far i want to run. :)

November, may it be blessed with alot of happy and exciting learning, may it be filled with alot of new and beautiful moments, friendships, kindness, strength and grace, in the matter of the heart. and thank you god for so much i have, the opportunities, the friends and family, and just everything.

till then! :)

Little holiday!

2011-10-26T08:00:00.000-07:00

so much grace over this little break < 3

i am very happy, healthy and whole these days. went out with friends i love, talked so much, ate fatty delicious food, movie, woke up early and read storybooks, stayed in bed all day and read even more storybooks, and run on solid earth 3 times in 5 days with dad and mom!! life is seriously good.

saw little brother brimming with excitement when he got his new storybooks... and then we went home and sat opposite each other in silence for hours and read like when we were kids.. priceless :)

i read 5 books, and i loved 4. good deal ;) Kisses from Katie taught me so much. one of the best book i have read this year, it was life changing. when so much negativeness is brewing around me, this read ignited many little hopes; to be courageous for the people i love, and knowing that doing something worth doing demands warrior sized courage and lots of days shrouded in the scariest loneliness :)

i read this in one sitting -- My Name is Mary Sutter. Mary, physician and surgeon during the civil war, first female surgeon. the books read like poem, sadness was so profound the people are so wretched and broken and sad and everything is so spoiled.. but in ended gracefully and i love the story so much. i love women story like that.

i read Unbroken... epic WWII true story, so well researched!...also one of the best book in 2011 :) olympic runner being enlisted and ... it was just.crazy.amazing. trust me!

and the last one -the school of essential ingredients. < 3 kept me up all night.

didnt like Julia child's My life in france! suprisingly

i got my fix and i am happy. :) reading is so addictive it's unbelievable. likewise with holidays

=DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

2011-10-16T02:06:00.001-07:00

fingers crossed! :)

this sad book

2011-10-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

i just finished reading Come to the edge by Christina Haag tonight, a very solemn memoir. i loved it. The voice is so wise and mature it made me cried a bit in my heart while reading. how can people be so wise. the book celebrates the beauty of moments, the grace within a relationship and the understanding of timing, and all the personal reasons people do the things they do. seriously how did some people see things in such graceful perspectives. im blown away..

painful and extremely sad at a point when i was totally absorbed, but Christina told it as it is and i appreciated the clarity, so much. sometimes heartbreaking stories are important because they teaches you how to smile

:)

the onslaught of doubts and confusion, the feeling that everything is so fleeting and unreal, the questions, waiting, putting things on hold, today i felt really disgusted. when you aren't people's priority, know what to do. i laze about thinking this isn't really fun anymore. it's unhealthy and demeaning at times, to give someone the power to affect how i feel. get a grip girl. live it up.

她说

2011-10-12T08:20:00.000-07:00

‘你没空不用打电话给我，我这里很好。’

心疼。

她都一直怕麻烦别人，以前也是，现在也是。人老了，不该一个人，不该无助，不该这样。。：（

好期待有个真正的一段没工作的时间，好好陪陪她，静静的。今年，忙透了，年头到年底，就这么地一瞬间。

明天，开始大考。努力了，希望自己能认真地应付，不要马虎，不要随便；这样才会甘心这一段一个人求学的日子，和不能回家陪陪老人家的日子。

好啦，睡啦，明天要很努力。

2011-10-09T15:24:00.000-07:00

'But when heartbreak strikes, I like to think of Jane Eyre, perhaps unrecognized as the best break-up book of all time. Jane let go of love–the only she’d known in her life– because of her sense of personal integrity and self-worth. She wouldn’t settle for a bum deal. Even without ever directly experiencing it, she knew in her bones, in the very cells of her body, what she deserved. That unwavering belief gave her the will to wander out into an unknown world with nothing but the clothes on her back and start over–no friends, no money, no family, no fallback. And when another man offers the prospect of a loveless marriage, she walks away from that offer, too, still knowing that a deep, passionate love and a marriage of true minds is what she requires for union. Jane Eyre has grit, a diamond-hard tenacity of spirit that comforts her in her darkest hour. She knows what she deserves, she doesn’t settle for anything less, and in the end, (SPOILER!) she gets just what is rightfully hers. Through these inevitable, unavoidable heart aches and disappointments in life and in love, that’s the kind of happy ending we all should hold out for.'

love this little paragraph on Jane Eyre.

-----------

received so much kindness and friendship. i am thankful beyond words for these people, who showed me how beautiful people can be amid the all the shams, and to remind me that yes, friendship like these still existed. i love them. forever.

edited : a friend reminded me that no matter how people around you act, if you do not approve of their actions and if what they do make you feel uncomfortable (disgusted), stay away, don't do what they do, don't even bother thinking about it. uphold your own standards. be good. be yourself, be what you have wanted yourself to be, don't succumb to pressure. life if definitely too short :)

gonna be a lovely day, studying psychiatry ! :D

2011-10-02T07:06:00.000-07:00

got double thumbs up and a feisty nod from a lady runner during my long run this morning. twice :) :) much appreciated :) it was drizzling, botanical gardens was pitch dark from some power cut, and i was feeling a little mad myself. but i went and do what i want to, and as i had expected, it set my day right, up to this hour. :)

really love running. and all that accompanies

lately i bookend each day with morning run and bedtime reading, two of my most favourite thing in the whole world. they make exam prep feels manageable. gonna catch up with news, ciao!

2011-09-27T07:01:00.001-07:00

there are days which are so tough and overwhelming, they made me crawled into my comforter feeling terrified of waking up. this day last week, i was frantic, messed, very alone and i tried looking for help but i couldn't find it anywhere. i was pretty scared. next day came and a lot of madness ensued, i wrote a lists with ridiculous minute details of the days to do's and started ninja kicking them. i was glad i started the day with a hard long run, uphills speedy and all, it made me kinder to myself (because i was tired). but surprisingly on that tougher than ever day, grace alighted :) a lot of grace. it came with friends and food, gentleness and help, a good book and good revision. also, reading in bed at dawn. there was a huge satisfaction and a quiet kind of happiness.night came and i was thankful. i learnt on that very day how important it is to be really brave for yourself, to be very very very independent, to learn a lot of things out of school, and to accept beauty and grace when it came knocking. life can be really generous, when it wants to be, me thinks. a lot of times also, i surprise myself with more than i thought i can be.

sigh. if i could save all happiness in a jar and sniff it deeply when i have those ohmygod days. you know, like crack.

2011-09-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

hi, it's been awhile. there was so much. there was home, laughing with my brothers, evening runs, getting tanned, alot of coffee. Vietnam happened, an awful flu that lasted 2 weeks happened, getting lost and freaking out happened and all sorts of goodness happened too. i read voraciously, there were books that were so amazing i pitied those who don't read. i thought about alot of things, and met up with really old friends (they are crazy amazing i love them). there were alot of travelling thoughts and this morning i made coffee and lay in bed and finished a newly downloaded book in 3 hours and the sun was shining so brightly into my room, it was so damn sweet(i work the rest of the day). i was pretty much happy, really. but i wish wish wish that my maid could come back quick for we need her to be here, grandma needs her.

i am extremely happy and thankful for my brother being okay, for vietnam, for this family which is not flawless but i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, for the few really really good friends of mine whom i really really love and will love them forever, they make me smile like when my favourite song is on the radio. and i am happy that i am strong and can run again, with mighty lungs ;) important things in my life is working out good :')

and this morning's story had a happy/magical ending. love. :)

2011-08-22T07:55:00.000-07:00

been some time. as usual, trying my best to be my best self. working really hard, can't wait for raya break.

last saturday an awesome run happened. it gave me beautiful marks around my waist where the elastic waistband brushed against, they stung so good when i shower. i haven't been running so hard for a long time, that day i was strong, very very strong, who knew one day before i have been emotionally drained. energy works in a mystical way, and running always make everything right again :)

mom came with dad and two little brothers on saturday to pass me my laptop for my work. they are an amazing bunch, i always feel really really really thankful i am part of this family. they gave me so much space to do my own growing up, and always let me know they have my back. can't wait to go home when finally all of us are at one place again, after so many years.

doing this posting in which i have a small group of people i really love working with. we went to stay over at some place to do our community survey, it was a few days of tough and thankless work, but the feeling of helping out each other and trying our best to get things done feels so sweet. lunches and dinners were nice.

okay want to snatch time for some reading and sleep abit more, i am so tired.

a little prayer for a peaceful week, trouble stay away and i ll get on the country road asap. :) may revision do themselves too.

2011-08-13T20:11:00.000-07:00

i hope one day i won't need to be so careful anymore.

but now i have to, i am scared of the uncertainties, and being careful keeps me from being too letdown. it's not the way i choose to live, but i am not brave enough to give too much away.

papa's!

2011-08-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

Papa's birthday weekend ! :) Happy birthday my Dearest! i love you so much.

studied hard all week so i could have a break and enjoy the company of ALLLLL my BROTHERS :):)

they are whoaaaaa.. but still the best guys in my life.

k rush off to finish up work! good day! :D

2011-08-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

toughest day in a long while. over the day there were people throwing hissy fit and giving out ugly words just because a little bird talked to her, when she was in her vineyard. directors without a sense of what's going on and stayed on the fence and being weak about everything; colleagues who don't honor the whole system of majority and teamwork; colleagues who gets defensive and back away one hundred miles per second when being tested with a little work, whoa, and when it's just trying to test the water to see who has your back!

things were quite ugly. i want to escape.

i escaped. turned off my phone and went to bed reading my favourite children book, wondering since when, exactly when in our 24 years of life did we learn how to be so spiteful to each other? when did we learn to be so selfish and self absorbed? and didnt we sort of cultivated sportsmanship at a certain point in our growing years? learn how to honor teamwork and majority choices? show kindness? help your people? return people's help? please and thank yous? shut up even if you feel like giving out? and know that alot of times the word sorry is not gonna work so you've gotta shut up? wow. and i read till the part when a little girl was collecting litters and sell bottles for candy. love.

i woke up to a message from my mom, telling me to do what i feel and think is right, trying her best to calm me down with her words. it's been so long since i go to mom regarding petty school issues. often when i am confused as to what i should do, i think of what my parents would want me to do in situations like this, and i think of what they have always taught me since i was young, and i do what i think is right even if the whole world acted in another way, and sometimes it isn't the easiest thing. over the weekend my friend and I we talked about upbringing, and how it's always being reflected. my parents spent their whole life teaching me and i am thankful to have strong father and mother figures, and i want to honor that in all that i do, at least. and mom, i am good.

sad life events

2011-08-03T13:21:00.000-07:00

woke up thinking of sir Jamil whom they told me is in the hospital now, diagnosed with some stage 4 cancer. the man and his wife who showed me so much kindness for the 2 years i was in mrsm, they both took care of me, pulled me aside and asked me to hang in there for it'd be good for me, an mrsm background. they never eventually discriminate at all, like most people would do eventually, and that was kindness in its hugest terms. then they took care of my brother, and my mom called her regularly.

i don't know what i can do. :( i hate this pang of sadness. maybe i could go make a phone call send my regards.! :(

this august

2011-08-01T08:46:00.001-07:00

august first has been kind. there was a phone call that made me lost track of time and burnt my dinner, and friend bought lunch when i was stuck in lectures. there was sitting together and laughing and talking, and few things was sorted nicely. there was obgyn revision, which is going to be lots of work, yet so nice :) there's also psych results, i passed. alot of kindness, alot of blessings, really really heartwarming. and coffee. haha. it's the harbinger of alot of good things in august, i am quite sure.

buuuuhbye psychiatry :)))

2011-07-30T16:14:00.000-07:00

completed another posting, psychiatry this time. :) i did my best to learn all that i could despite feeling 'this is not my thing at all' haha. gotta do what i have to do. i was pretty happy with my evaluation at the end of my posting, results are not yet out but i think i should be fine:) but the thing that made me happy was meeting Dr Barathy on our last day and she said to me, 'why is this not signed? hmmm but you have always been a good student, you showed interest and clerked patients' and went on to sign the few unsigned stuff in my logbook. heheee. fun ;) it's all about the big picture oh yes.

hmmm then we went to tanjung rambutan for a field trip, i gawked at the hugeness of the place but other than that it's boringgg. psychiatry showed me the ugliest facets of society and life, and made me understand a whole lot more about very very hard things, things that are really bad really cruel and really sad you wouldnt wish it on your worst enemy.. sometimes it's so overwhelming i wanted to hide, sometimes i felt like how i felt after reading a jodi picoult--broken, confused, unsure. good learning all in all.

on another note, i had alot of time to read during psych. i spent two weeks reading my medicine and was on my kindle the rest of the time, and book luck was so good, so many amazing books :)) fingers crossed may this prevails haha.

yesterday i finished Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert in one breath. :)))))))) loved loved LOVED. i was reluctant to picked it up when it was first published because of all the bad reps... geez.. the book challenges what we have all believed about marriage, this girl wrote so beautifully and on most part, she sounded extremely wise. growing up in an asian upbringing, it was like finally hearing your thoughts being echoed. ah. gonna be the book i am going to reread each year, and i never reread books. :))) thanks for writing this, Liz.

time to run!

:)

2011-07-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

it feels nice to finally reach Sunday night.. because i have had a long exam prep weekend. the door to the balcony is wide open and the air is crisp, work is done chores are out of the way i bathed so it's really sweet :) taking some breather before i turn in early.

this week has been really really kind. beyond what i expected kind. i want to give thanks:) loadsss. i missed running in the dark so i drove out of my apartment before 6am on both friday and saturday teeheeheee, cruising on empty roads, with music blaring on the radio. god these drives make me very happy, haha. saturday run was so seriously good, i felt superb and i lasted 90 minutes, first comeback long run after the marathon, major runner's high and reward was an avocado juice :) perfect recipe to start a day of intense revision really. saturday i have no energy cos i used them all up haha but saturday was kind revision was good dinner was good and company was awesome.

and to be reminded throughout this week that to have someone amazing as a friend, who does amazing work with all his heart, is simply a huge blessing. it's inspiring, and i treasure his authenticity very much. bless him. bless norway too. too sad.

and lastly, this week i learn how to tell myself 'it's okay' and really believe in myself. i said it so much these days! so i don't need people to tell me that anymore, well maybe sometimes if im unsure with myself.

2011-07-20T06:48:00.000-07:00

i always know i am very lucky.somehow somehow i am always well taken care of, and loved.

i am lucky to be able to like what i am learning, to get giddy with excitement for it, to have friends i really really love who pushes me to be better and hear me out and help me so so generously, to have a cool/loving/funny family, to love books/kindle and cannot imagine being without one for more than a few days.

it's worth all the effort to reach this point. and here's to getting better. :) treading water is no fun but a girl's gotta do what she gotta do.

i love how life always has its way to surprise me.

and that's all i wanna say, for now.

2011-07-13T06:47:00.000-07:00

was reminded about all the things i used to want, and already have, and nearly losing it..

i am so forgetful.

6th week

2011-07-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

This is the start of my sixth week in psychiatry. time to really focus and revise and learn this part of medicine properly, it’s important for my work. I have wanted to like this rotation, I tried, really hard. Last Wednesday I sat before a mentally retarded 23 years old, someone my age, who was beaten and kicked in the guts by her parents and had a long history of cutting herself, I sat before her, and I myself was half trembling from the cruelty and absurdity of the whole situation. I asked her where did she learn that? Who taught her? Did your father sexually abuse you? She kept quiet. Are you happy in the new home? She said yes, she said she can help with the chores in her new home, and she smiled, it was pretty much the nicest thing that day, no, that week. I examined her for galactorrhoea and reviewed her file, and do all that I could do for her, if I were her doctor. The moment I touched her I realized I love her, and I am slowly learning how to love all these people around me. It pushes me, that kind of love, it’s powerful, it gave me strength to do a lot more that I ever thought I could, for those who need my help.

Monday I talked to a hardcore heroin addict, snatched and peddle for a living now. dear god. it was something too new to me, and I pretended to have talked about drug used for the millionth time. But all these talking to people made me less judgemental, I just couldn’t, it’s just not possible to when you really understand their story.

Friday we went to a home for the mentally handicapped, we got to listen to stories from the families and victims, it was… crazy. One talked about how his brilliant child with straight As in SPM turn schizophrenic, and how he can be so aggressive now, he could’ve kill his mom anytime, hurt her and pushed her down….

Freaking sad.

I went home after that. The last week felt like I tore myself up and gave my limbs everywhere. Friday a friend picked me up for visit and it was grace, the nicest thing someone has done for me in that already heartbreaking week. I went home, went to my corner, and it kinda fixed me up. I studied what I like and was happy that I have the chance to do something I don’t hate, I read a book, felt damn proud of countrymen over the bersih weekend, and thought it feels like watching les miserables.

I read American Wife, a depiction of laura bush’s life. I really really really love her in the story, I love everything about her, flaws and guts and the way she brought up her daughter and all. It’s been long since I fell in love with a character so much, but I recognized so much of me in there and damn I love her. I would be bold and say this is the best book I have read in this year. Hands down. So good. Life will give you back whatever you gives with your heart, that I believe.

The week is shrouded with serious biznez. Here’s a toast, to a good sixth week and to learning how to love better. To broccoli, schweaty workouts, learnings and love. <3

love

2011-07-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

wish i could have more time to sit down and write.
so many things to write so i can remember. many happy things lately.
an old friend came visit, and a ride around places on the island that i have never been to, so nice. red skirt, macaroons, coconuts, jellies and lots of happy food in a day...!
mom fetched me home, fetched! will i grow up one day and have the big heart to fetch someone who stays an hour away home?.. knowing there is bad traffic?ugh... i donno! i had fun with my brothers, loads. seeing my grandma kept me grounded, she's so small and frail now, but she's still cute and listen to every word i say, i feel like going home every week just to see her. but it pained me to see people grow old and small :(
i taught my little brother mitosis and meiosis, and we ate durian and mangoes and rambutans and also alot of happy foodddd. oh there was cake dry spongy cake not my kind of cake but cake nontheless.. it was my brother's bday he turned 20 :) i bought a new book for my kindle, it's Tolstoy and A Year of Reading. i love it i have been reading it super super fast... whoa.
oh and they told me i came in 7th in KL marathon! feels unbelievable but it's feels so nice to know.. i recovered well in 2 days, very quick! and am now running my usual morning distance. still loving the adrenaline like mad...! :)
reading and bedtime, i really love how everything is now... one million trillion gratitude..life can be so good.

postmarathon and this is not the title

2011-06-29T15:22:00.000-07:00

okay a breather. plate is pretty full right now, so many things i want to do and achieve by the end of this year. and to do all of them with my best ability. oh boy. thankfully marathon training can be put aside for awhile. until the next crazy lady moment when i feel like training again. NO. not now. definitely not. need to have the body back to normal and period regulated for a bit.

back from marathon, so many priorities change, and a few decisions to cut out the things i don't need in my life. i wonder if i am the only one with a terribly hard time clearing out my closet, and learn that i can't carry too much if i want to do better and go further in my life. need the focus. all about focus.

made a rough plan, had few heads up about things i want to do, good news really.

learnt that i can snap out of it by being in the moment, du moment au moment as they say, and be grateful for each moment spent in grace.

i love what finishing lines can do to me, inside out, can't explain, too personal.

sincere prayer to be better for myself and the people around me. to love bigger and love more. to have peace. to understand better. to be strong. happy.

now, run needed.

KL Marathon weekend

2011-06-24T03:59:00.000-07:00

today i took an early afternoon off, for myself. this week wasn't too easy and i sighed with relief when it's finally done. it was a one step at a time kinda week, in many aspects. i napped, finished my work, packed my bags, cleaned the house and declared the start of marathon weekend. i am all sorts.

i know i will freak out many times this weekend, with so much uncertainties looming. the travelling, trying to fuel well and sleep well, trying to get everything right before race day, trying to hang in there when i feel like i can hardly breathe and work hard to make it through the pain. but that is what i am there for, to be frightened, empowered, clarified and overwhelmed with the beauty of a marathon, all at once.

this Sunday i will to revisit the proverbial wall at 30 km, the point when i am running on empty and i will be strong, very very strong. i want to feel and get in touch with that emptiness inside me, to carry all my emotions with me over the last 12km- the sadness, disappointment, the feeling of confused and unsure of myself, and to know that my body can push past its breaking point, just like my heart, to understand again, in the end, God's grace is all that sustains, and that is enough.

each marathon will be life changing, and i can't wait to learn the lessons from this special one. i pray for good weather and the safety of each one running. crazy friends :)

2011-06-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

one of the toughest day.

when there is so much to handle by myself.

as i blink back tears i promise i am gonna tough it through, as ridiculous as everything seems to be for now.

dad's day, 30km run and blessings

2011-06-19T06:39:00.000-07:00

i prefer telephone calls over text messages, and seeing people over telephone calls. Always. i appreciate friends who call me just to whine and talk about nothing in particular, and friends who know having a meal together is one of the best things in life. i think sending texts to someone just to ask for favours are damn rude. but that's just me. i want to give thanks for all the good food this week, for the time i can be with the people i love, for being able to pick mom and brothers up from the airport while having ice cream, for being excited and stayed up late, for sleeping in on saturday morning in my bed and for long car rides with them.

i spent saturday getting really excited about alot of things. haha! and then i calmed down and hang out with my brothers in the living room, watching them doing and helping with homework while i read like a happy kid. i love my kindle so much, it's pretty cool. i can bookmark all the sentences i love and it will come out in a page altogether. :D

this weekend i gather all the courage and strength i have, be a big girl, slept early on saturday night and drove out to start my run at 5.30am on sunday. i am very stubborn and i just want to do that 30km before my marathon- i was feeling small and afraid of the marathon for a few weeks already, with a few long runs which i simply couldn't push myself far enough to reach 30. i did it today, it was painful of course, but it was worth one whole world and more because at kilometre 25, the feeling of really wanting to be at the marathon starting line and push through each mile swept over. it was spiritual, running is spiritual. that powerful belief that dawned this morning... is worth 30km and sore legs and blisters.

this week i will focus on tapering, loosen my legs, work some strength, watch my food, increase the carbs, get my bus tickets, build up my mental strength for the last 12km, be almost ridiculously positive this one whole week and not let any negative thoughts breakdown this whole building up to a marathon process. i know how letting one negative thought in and it's all gone, so this week is crucial, mental wise.

felt so blessed during today's run. i love my body and what it can do for me.

there are so many uncertainties in this life, and freaking out all the time isn't exactly funny. but somehow with enough love and support from the best people, i think i can handle this whole living my life business one day at a time. happy father's day dad, you are the best.

psych

2011-06-13T07:48:00.000-07:00

sometimes a lot of things around me make me sad. it's when i feel like doing something for someone just to let them have a reason to smile when they think about it. i know because when that happens to me, it'll lift me up a lot :)

sigh good things are so few and far between. but good things do happen and i have been getting some, and i hope i give more than i receive.

psych started im not terrible excited about it because i find it sad and scary to see people getting off tangent in their minds like that.. and psych is odd. it feels odd. but the thing about medical school is you gotta sit down and learn the things you are supposed to even if you don't feel terrible excited and passionate.

i have new medicine textbooks i can read at the mean time, should make this two months go by faster perhaps :) internal medicine is big time good stuff :)

one moment in time

2011-06-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

Each day I live
I want to be
A day to give
The best of me
I'm only one
But not alone
My finest day
Is yet unknown

I broke my heart
Fought every gain
To taste the sweet
I face the pain
I rise and fall
Yet through it all
This much remains

I want one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me
Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will feel
I will feel eternity

this was on the radio today, the first song after my 25km, i sat in the car and felt like crying. i was in pain but i was feeling pretty damn proud of myself. 25km- longest distance i have ever done for the year. and this particular one was HARD. dammit!!! so painful today. i always get really emotional after a really hard HARD run, hard HARD run being the kind at 5km mark, i clearly know this is going to be Hell already but no excuses no compromise i just grit my teeth and say fuck this and do not react to whatever pain and just run. and cry a little in the heart. haha

came home feeling like my body's broken everywhere, and tired like mad. feverish. can't move. the price to pay to commit myself to a marathon. i know it's going to be hard but i forgot how hard a marathon is. hell it's very very very hard.. ! the hardest thing for the year in fact. but yeah the price to pay..to get that one moment in time when i know i did something very very big and very very important, not for anyone else, but for myself. i know i have so much more in me to hang on to, when i am running on empty, when i have got nothing left to hang on to outside. i know i can take a ridiculous amount of pain, and when there's emotional pain, it makes me a stronger runner now. earlier days i couldn't cope with having any emotional pain and running long, i would just breakdown once i allow any thoughts to barge in. but now i learnt how, it's a long process, now i learnt to carry them with me and be gentle with myself at the same time, and i finished my long runs one step at a time, treading really carefully. applies to life, and alot of things as well. and just a few weeks ago, i learnt to walk, feel so therapeutic :)

running means a lot to me. shaped me and made me into what i am today. :) so many years and i still want to do it so much. i don't know if i am doing 26.1mile two weekends from now, but today is the peak of my training and i have trained as well as i want myself to. tomorrow i am counting my heart rate and hopefully i am surprise. :)

good sunday and good week ahead:)

to life

2011-06-05T08:24:00.000-07:00

break was good

daily runs with dad in the sun, got tanned, easy days, yummy and fatty food, long dinners, lots of reading. :)

long run today was wimpy haha, original plan was 30km (i know, shoot for the stars right) but i did 19km and seriously felt like dying, like i have nothing left in me to even move an inch. if i get to have an epidural and a 10L normal saline infusion maybe i could've last longer. anyway. it's 2 weekends to marathon and i am on call this weekend. yikes.. i need to come up with something quick.

i always think good friends really really make this world a better place. a lot of time i sigh thankyougod under my breath because my friends are such amazing people; they inspire me to be good to others, to give people my time, to help to be honest, real, kind and generous, to work hard for what i want and to be brave because i am not alone. they tell me i have it in me, when i feel so unsure about things and i often wonder how is it they can believe in me more than i do myself, and they eventually got me convinced, haha :) and they are so smart. i am real thankful to have the few people i love and trust, who love and trust me back, i promise to cherish them always.

tomorrow i am starting Psychiatry, and i don't know anything Psychiatry because i have spent all my break reading very nice story books. I reread My Antonia which reminds me of all the things i love in this world, the nature, maize field, climbing trees, apples, friendships, families...i reread the exciting (and expensive) Heart Surgery book and it reminds me how hard people work and how much sacrifice people like Debakey made, and i feel stupid complaining about any thing at all. i also read half of my Outlander book which is a thousand pages! it is ridiculously amazing because it's all about chivalry and gallant horsemen who were staying in the Scottish highlands and wear nothing under their kilts hahaha, it's a story about love so pure and the sheer incredulity of trusting someone unknown with all your heart, i felt myself trembling while reading. madness. and beautiful words. and horses, lovelovelove, one hell of a literature ;) there's this book One Day which kept me overwhelmed and sad for days on because it talks about how a guy and a girl were turning in circles for 20years and they girl eventually died in an accident. i hate stories with so much sorrow like that. just affects you like mad... because you know it actually happens. reality is pretty sad anyway.

back to the grind and i would happily work hard again because i feel enough again. today i was so tired from my long run so i just sat on the floor and think. i thought about the 17 year old me, naive like mad and a little too excited about the future, not knowing at all in the few years ahead i would fall pretty hard, have a lot of hard days, and get hurt many many many times, that it'd be rough but i'd see a lot of beautiful things, make good friendships and learn massively. i thought about the little girl and thought about the me now. i was happy to realize that the 17 year old self would be proud, of my current self, flaws shortcomings changes and all, and i am thankful for being seventeen and extremely tough once, because i am happy with pretty much everything now.

goodnight

few things

2011-06-01T15:47:00.000-07:00

-Bikram Yoga. love. need this back in my life.

-my dad is awesome. very.

-The next time I’ll fall in love, I want to fall for someone who will make me feel that loving him is the greatest decision I ever made and not just another mistake.

-i realised i have come to love medicine, freaking alot. it didnt start out with so much love honestly. sigh the things i had done and i would do to for it, it's crazy. makes me decide to toughen up in a lot of ways, makes me stay in and don't mind working every off every single second of my weekend and even the holidays (and feel happy about it goodness). when things are tough and i need to pick myself up, it makes me think that i am doing something i love so i am able to take alot of things. i hope when i start working i'd be thinking that too, it's a really nice thought.

-even the love for running don't do that, and why again did i sign up for a marafreakingthon? did i lose my brain and think i am a gazelle or something? what the hell i am going to do now with 42km in 2 weeks? i can barely do 20km without feeling my hips coming apart AND what if i die. huh.

will i ever be brave enough.

2011-05-31T08:18:00.000-07:00

midyear break, it's been good. i have been calm, telling myself to loosen up, and i napped more than 15minutes. i could even work out leisurely, i can even stretch! goodness, happy stuff.

and i read... like i haven't read in months. overwhelmed. but reading matters. understanding all these unfairness and sadness and sufferings in the world matters. so much respect for the people who are in the arena, who are putting themselves aside and serving others selflessly, fiercely believing that in spite of a problem so huge and daunting, doing their small part matters. it's so Gandhi and idealistic and the cynical side in me wants to close all the tabs and go back to my novels, but i can't.. it hurts to know when i am lucky and good right here, people are dying. because the hospital does not have oxygen, because they don't have enough of the damn ORS. ORS??! because there is not enough drugs for HIV postive children. and because health service is non existant.... :( i don't know, it feels so ridiculous at first to read all that.. but why is it so hard for some people in the world? why is it that a mother only have 2 surviving kids out of 14? why are young girls being forced into sex trade, how can men be so heartless gutless huh why do people die of diarrhoea when it never happen here.

changed my perspective by reading about people who are doing stuff to make a difference and i felt so much better about things. they are angels with wings so huge, they are so courageous and it makes me tear knowing how selfless some people can be. humanity is beautiful. will i grow up to have half of their courage and tenacity? the ability to shed all insulations and to put myself out there to face so much sufferings and unfairness? the help the sickest? to have such amount of faith that i could make a small difference just by doing my part?

i want to grow up to help, but before i can help i need to build up enough within myself, enough courage enough knowledge enough skills enough faith to do all that, and i pray to god that i can grow each day to be all that i can be.

maybe each night i should remember to say a prayer. and also thank all the nice people who help me to be better each day.

2011-05-28T20:46:00.003-07:00

testing one two three

2011-05-28T20:46:00.001-07:00

testing

thankyou for making this worth it

2011-05-26T19:29:00.002-07:00

touched. all the tiredness all the frustrations and all the work i put into paediatrics is so worth it when Dr.Vicky, a paediatrics neurologist i love and admire very much, gave me an 'Excellent' on my shortcase exams with her today. Thank You. she probably won't know how much i admire her and how much i appreciate that one word which came from her. And Dr Dan who's coexamining, said he have no questions left to ask me and chimed 'yes excellent'. thank you soso much. it means so much.

i had two stations today, one of neuro and one of cardio, i was shaking like a leaf. neuro exams was easy, little boy with a large head, a myelocele and central hypotonia, diagnosis was easily clinched. i finally have a chance to say the Arnold Chiari II malformations causing hydrocephalus, something i have been learning since my neuro pathology days two years back haha. i think it sounds damn sexy..cardio case was madness, in the way this 5 years old kid presented with such malignant signs of cyanosis. clubbing, cyanosis, bradycardic, conjunctival suffusion, palpable thrills, displaced apex beat, palpable P2, ESM over left sternal edge grade 4 increase intensity on inspirationnnnnnn....BUT in the end i was stupid i said my diagnosis is Tetralogy of Fallot when there was clear pulmonary hypertension- loud and palpable P2 and yet i can say tetralogy, my brain abandoned me when i need it gosh i feel like kicking myself into the dustbin.. however it's done and now gonna sleep before written in the afternoon. which isn't that scary.

2011-05-23T07:34:00.000-07:00

if i say another time i am tired i might as well change the blog into The Life of Ms Tired. right.
but yes it's a tiring weekend it's a tiring monday and i know it'd be a tiring tuesday because i am typing nonsense past my bedtime i never learn..but 4 more days left, i'll persevere and do my work properly and do whatever i can to pass this paediatrics posting and i can stare at the ceiling for the longest time ever after that.

just now when i was revising the learnings in the past 7 weeks, i felt happy because i realised i have been learning so much in this few weeks. i don't feel so lost now, i feel okay about paediatrics, and even though i will still be a lousy houseman with clumsy blood taking skills and no clue how to set a line and hurt alot of small children, oh well i guess i will have to try my best to learn as quickly as possible that time when i work.

friday exam day and after that i have alot of things i wanna do. basically just take a real good break from this hectic 4 months plus. madness.

2011-05-20T15:39:00.000-07:00

very very exhausting week,
tucked myself in early on a friday night.
slept seven and woke up with a clear mind, no brain fog, no heavy lids
stinging clear thoughts started trickling in
it wasn't pretty
but hell, thank you alas.

i know that is/ you are not going to be what i want
in the future, or in a year's time
no matter how much it feels good, alright or sometimes amazing
now
it's just all about me wanting something you do not/ cannot give
and somehow, in those busy moments, i eventually
let it go. i guess.
i am glad i have always been this strong.

to me,
life is about those solid, pure, and honest things
about feeling secure, safe and being supported by someone you love and trust with ALL my heart, all.
about doing stuff full-heartedly, giving my all, and being able to pursue the things that filled my heart
and picking myself up when i am overwhelmed, and sleepy all day long
about living each day one step at a time with strength and purpose
about finding happiness when happiness eludes me
about giving more than i take from life.
about reminding myself all of that from running.
just that.
and finally it hits me like a brick this morning, at 4am, when i needed the toilet
i went back to bed for another 2. needed them sleep.
woke up with a heart so calm it aches.

gonna go for a run, some run.
don't know how much strength i have to pull through today because i have been so tired all week
but it always amazes me
when i always have so much more than i first thought

pretty grateful.

this saturday

2011-05-13T21:27:00.001-07:00

It’s a late Saturday morning. It’s late because I haven’t start cracking on the endless things that I need to do. But thing is, I just don’t want to bother, for awhile. This morning long run was 22km, 15km uphill, water break at 17 and finally pushed myself through the last 5km. Grueling, but therapeutic. After 22km I just kept walking in a trance because post 22km feels so freaking awesome, and the weather was so beautiful.

I don’t know any other way to end a hard week, except to completely zone out, to stop thinking about a lot of things, and just put one foot in front of another for 2 whole solid hours. I love this protected Saturday morning time, when I am with myself, unfolding the weekend effortlessly by filling up the tank, picking up bread, and getting green juices. Oh and clean up my own place. Love. I look forward to Saturday all the time haha, especially if the week has been rough, people were extra selfish and this week probably was one of those.

Last night i had a good company and ate chocolate muffins before bed (remember I need to carbload?) this morning I woke up at 5am and read Frances Mayes A Year in The World, a chapter on wines and vines and Italy, beautiful stuff. I’ve had the book 5 years and I now need every piece of Frances Mayes work because she’s SO GOOD

That night when I was on the phone with my little brother, me congratulating him for being champion in the district Drama competition, he started talking about big things like commitment and sportsmanship and telling me stories. I was thinking, ‘wow, who taught him all these?’ I was really happy that night, knowing that he’s ahead of himself, knowing that this little kid is growing up pretty fine, and I said a prayer hoping that he be okay and grow up to be an amazing young man, regardless of his decisions in life.

I guess I will go hide in the comforter and read the day away. J

blithe

2011-05-07T08:41:00.000-07:00

saturdays' long runs are always lovely. today's is lovely for several reasons, one being the old man, who is back again. He said hi to me, he's too cute. He is a saturday regular in the park, and often starts as early as me, about half past six. sometimes i purposely match my stride with his, just for fun, i love running with uber awesome people. haha. the past 3 months i have missed his presence, and was thinking the worst, and the last week when he came back, he's still as good as ever. swwoonn.

training is getting harder for me, and for alot of runners. we are getting out there earlier and earlier as the weeks creep on, today i was there at my usual time but all the familiar faces already have half soaked tanks. admirable dedication. all these tenacity, grit and sexy self discipline, ROCKS. i don't know any other better way to start my weekend by spending hours with these people, tearing my muscles apart, wheezing uphill, getting seriously euphoric and cleansed, and healthily tanned. :)

and today i saw this man, with a pretty bad stroke, strutting with enormous effort with his walking stick. alongside him was his granddaughter, a pretty teenager who watched over his granddad so dearly. my heart definitely broke a thousand times over watching them. i said a prayer, i hope that they can be really strong and see this through. there will never be too many easy days, and there will be alot of heartaches and frustrations, and crushed hopes. i remembered how strong my mom was, a few years back when it all happened, when my granddad had a major stroke. Mom just kept going and going and going each day, and every single day was tough. the whole thing was just too painful, and i wouldnt wish it on anyone in the world. i don't know if i could be like her if i were in her position, but through that 4 years, my brothers and I learnt a lot on love and family. we learnt about being there for the people that matters, we learnt about who matters, we learnt about appreciating the people you love when they are 'there' - always always always appreciate them. we learnt about staying tough and supporting each other and sacrifices. thanks mom, thanks grandpa, sorry for the pain you had to bear.

today is lovely. tomorrow will be a swoon fest because i get to gawk at intelligent people who speaks intelligently. tomorrow will be Mother's day and my mom is definitely a million times better.

sometimes i love the curves life throw at me.

Mayyyyy

2011-05-01T08:23:00.000-07:00

had the best weekend ever.

got back my mojo.

of course there will still be very little sleep and a lot of expectations,

but mom handed me a new bottle of coenzyme and bought me a new music player for my running

she buys me my greens for the following week and helped me photocopied my neonatology textbook

dad stuff me up silly and washed my car

little brother watched food channel with me and we discussed biology my favourite :)

i love them so so much

big big thanks for giving me such an amazing and relaxing weekend away from workkk.

big big thanks for being there 101% and for being awesome

sorry little brother if i terganggu your schedule, hope you ace your drama and studies and badminton and everything.

*

this weekend i had tea with the dalai lama and learnt about compassion. i thought deeply about alot of stuff and how important it is to give love to others. without the love and support my family and friends gave me i wouldnt know how nice and good it is to be loved, and i will never know how to love others. a child who never had the chance to receive any love wouldnt know how to love, and that's .... no good! it's important to give kindness whenever we can, because you never know what difference you can do to that person's life.

*

i am rereading eat pray love. it's still so beautiful the sixth/seventh/eighth time around. haha.

*

the month of april, i became Okay with so many things. it's surprising. having a personality that wants to control every single minute detail in my life, i became so complacent and placid, allowing things to happen without analyzing or wanting them to change, at all. not even questioning why, and stop myself from having any emotions or attachment towards people and things, and just... sorta.. extract myself away from it all. i don't do that when i do work though, i don't want myself to be that way in my work and learning.

is it growing up?

or is it just a way of protecting myself from too much expectation and the disappointment that always follow suit?

i don't know really. but i like myself being this way, because i sleep better and i am happier.

*

i believe this May, there'd surely be good things. god will always open a door when one is slammed close. i hope i surprise myself in a good way and i hope i will be alot better in my learning. i need to and i want to. i hope i ll be able to love bigger and be more patient and kind to others. i hope i will always think about others and also think about myself and eat alot of greens. i also hope i get stronger in my runs, and i hope on most days this May, i will be as happy as this weekend.

goodnight. :)

4th week!!!

2011-04-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

spent the whole weekend in, catching up on my learning. i was tired, sleepy and wish so much i could have a break but this morning i read Lemin's writing and it pulled me through. thank you so much. it made me felt not so alone in this learning madness and working through days and nights which doesnt sound that normal. haha. i just wanna write a bit before another intense week starts and i get whirlpooled into the depths of things again, now that i got a better idea about what am i supposed to do and what i want from myself for this rotation. yeah, into the fourth week and only this happens, but better late than never i guess. last week was extremely tiring, i weren't sleeping well and was stealing energy from running. i woke up too early, did my work, got sleepy, squeeze in a run to wake myself up, rushed like mad before getting to the hospital dead tired. and being my first hospital week, i was so lost and confused. without an end in mind : perfect recipe to lousy ward work. but throughout the week we were lucky to be taught so well, i didnt know much paeds and were making mistakes again and again and again. but at the end of the week i am glad that i now know what to do, what to practise, and how to learn. thank god for the enlightenment. i still have 4 weeks to get things right and naturally the weekend was spend doing work. so much work for paediatrics. i was really tired and weren't feeling well, and i did the only thing i know that could probably work, i ran really really hard. i did an hour of running uphills on saturday, i was totally dominated by them hills, was wheezing like anything and was so sore. but running works i felt so much better and it enabled me to do work, with the help of seven naps per day and a fridge of food. i was so freaking tired. sunday morning i did another hard one on the treadmill and did strength too, because work looks super scary, i needed the feel good endorphine. sometimes i hate myself for doing that to myself, and i just sounded like a druggie, but that's how i function.i can't work if i don't run, it's like i have brain oedema and i need to dry my brain up before i can think straight each morning. run to work, run harder to work harder. it's seven weeks to 42km and saying it out loud scares me like hell. haha. some things:

1) that day a friend ask whether running is a hobby and did i do it because it gets easier with time. i didnt know how to answer, and i didnt, i just shrugged it off. what i really wanna tell her that i don't know about others but i still struggled each morning to make it to 3 miles,i coax myself, i distract myself, i count like silly, and i blast music so that i can pull through, i procrastinate like crazy so i sleep in my running clothes. haha. it's hard. it's hard so it makes all the following things in my day relatively easy. traffic, hospital, patients, work, pesky ppl.. and that's the pretty much the reason i do it. it's not a hobby, i dont run when i am free, i had to, it's like early morning coffee. it needs to be there.

2) that day a junior told me about something she heard about myself, and it surprised me so much, in a good good way. i was surprised because it was the exact same words i have used when i with a senior last year. it was everything i hope to hear, and i hope i would live up to it. :)

3) next week i want to work hard learn hard and make a bigger sense out of this. i was upset last week when out teachers kept repeating : you don't need to learn how to manage patients in paediatrics! it wont be in your exams. i wouldnt be bothered it came from a classmate, but a tutor? a doctor? that's not very encouraging? is it just me? well maybe!

and i need to get as much sleep as possible tonight. till then.

2011-04-22T15:39:00.000-07:00

常常告诉自己不要怕苦，要相信世上无难事。
要能承受很多很多，要学会独立坚强，也要学会在这个很大很复杂的世界里，
永远都让自己快乐。
心中一直默默地感激生活让我遇见很多超棒的人
那一些用生命来奉献，不畏因而失去自己生命中的种种的人
他们，真的很不错。
以前老师说我们要拥有金子般的赤子之心，我没能明白
这几年里，终于让我看见了。

我的老师说
当你心情疲累时，不想用功时
想想今早遇到的人，也想想他们的明天
你没有智障的家人要照顾，也没患癌，身体又那么好，
你那么幸运，应该很开心，也更应该想要奉献更多。

我真的用惯了这个想法
每天很艰难的跑步训练，不苦，它让我感激自己有个很棒的身体和双腿，
每天很多的事情要一个人承当，我鼓励自己，因为我还行，
而我的每一天，都正是在让自己更进步，还有什么真的比此事更快乐？

其实不苦。

3

2011-04-17T08:22:00.000-07:00

it was at first about paying it forward, and then life surprises me with easy bent-over laughter meant for old friends, with people i just knew, over the weekend. i didnt thought that was possible.

there were excited babbling about london and musicals- more than enough.

i learnt alot of handy stuff.

i sorta decide what i reallyreally wanna do,
which feels pretty superb.

today i ran a 16km, it feels easy which makes me happy! felt sooooo good to be out there kicking some asphalt again, its been 2 weeks. but i chaffed like mad and it was really too painful to finish the 21 i set out to do. it's okay. i am still proud of myself to get out there.

to-do was ninja kicked. i realized when i have too much to do in so little time, i get weary.

next week looks easy peas. maybe i could go get new runners. and maybe i could grab icecream.
sounds good. i am apprehensive about general paeds, hope it goes well!

overwhelmed

2011-04-14T02:11:00.000-07:00

the week breaks my heart.

so much sorrow, so much pain, tears, and sufferings... how did they survive? and wake up everyday?

i found myself getting quiet and confused and upset, i dont know how to put all of that i felt in words. i found myself shedding tears under the shower when i got home.

there'd never be enough of kindness, and being at the doctor's end there is only so much one can do.

i guess one could really try their best, in kindness and in medicine and in all the help one could garner, and maybe amidst shedding tears for a child who can barely live and does not even call you mama, maybe just maybe, she could smile and tell herself she could do this time and time again.

very very sad week. but i saw unconditional love. i saw a mother's endurance. i saw a woman's strength- it's pretty crazy. i saw a doctor's kindness it puts tears in my eyes and i tell myself to remember all the poignant feelings this week, remember it well.

i am so lucky and fortunate to have so much blessings and good things, i dont know how this happens and how the luck system works, but thank god for all of that you allowed me to have i promise i wont take it for granted, ever; and i will work hard and always help and always be kind because it's only fair.

i live for days like this

2011-03-31T13:54:00.000-07:00

I love a day like this. Days when happiness springs forth so easily, days when I feel so thankful for everything life has to offer.

I learnt to appreciate easy days.

Today happened to be an exam day, and I am always tired and worn out on exam days. I guess I didn't do too good, but I am still giving myself a big hug because I worked hard, showed up and learnt a lot. I think those things count. I think not caving in when things get overwhelming counts. I think taking care of myself counts. I think learning to love the work I am doing counts the most. So I am done with this little part of school.haha.

I am happy.

Happiness is good food and a nice ride, and an amazing company.

Happiness is also a catching up session with a friend, knowing she is doing more than good-- dreaming recklessly and working hard for her dreams. It made me seriously happy, knowing someone is playing her game big and mighty, and I have so much confidence in what she’s capable of being, and achieving. She’s an awesome comrade. Being happy for others’ success feels so good, because you get happy too, and extremely inspired. Weeks before this I see people around me playing those toxic little games which I absolutely cannot stand. It’s puerile, immature and just crazy. I decided to leave, in no freaking way I am doing these very teenager things! Yes age snob. So what.

Ah well, this weekend I will have a little break for myself, doing things I like for a bit. I am looking forward to a long run, family, reading, music, having fun listening to skin diseases(haha), phone calls and food. And car rides. Haha, super.

May time passes sloooowlyy, may the Sunday papers are never being published this week.

这些忙碌的日子

2011-03-27T07:16:00.000-07:00

好不容易把这个周末给撑过了

这个星期呀，好像一直都在想很棘手的事情，也做了很多不干脆决定，所以心有点累。

周末，在雨中长跑十八公里搞垮了身子再回到自己的房间，我想通了，也顿时长大了很多。真的。

不是小女孩了，所以，应该学会好好照顾自己，保护自己。不想长大，成熟，也一定要。不想为自己做晚餐，也一定要。还不想睡觉，也一定要，因为明天要早起。

不想和她做朋友，也一定要，因为没有选择。

失望了，讨厌了，沮丧了，生气了，发闷了，不解了，也释然了。也放下了。

长大的世界很复杂。外面的世界很冷酷。

真是的。

后来想想，我还有个家。我还有很多会很勇敢地，会不疲不累地为彼此付出的家人。

真好啊。没有家的人，怎么办

好了，收拾心情，安抚好情绪，该继续上路了。下个星期，好好考试，然后希望可以和家人过清明。

这个星期，我总算决定了离开那方向，我要坚强，要为自己着想，要干脆，要潇洒。给自己时间，让心更敞更大。还有，珍惜生活。

the best people

2011-03-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

I had a good week of learning.

in spite of all the minor glitches, i am reminded about how lucky i am each day, to be working with the best people who believe strongly in supporting each other, being extremely generous in their knowledge and work damn hard, they make learning so much fun. they show up with their best attitudes and characters, and it's just pretty amazing.

working with them makes me want to be better in so many ways.

the most underrated two words : thank you.

i hope my string of luck keeps going :)

i want myself to have enough chutzpah to strive for happiness no matter how hard they can be, at allll times.

2011-03-20T14:35:00.000-07:00

today, is my final week in Obgyn and it happened to be the work i really love to do, so here's to an extremely good final week in Obstetrics.

to solid revisions ahead.

i really want to go home after that. i miss them and it's been extremely long.

last two days was in a whirl. with massive readings and a pretty good amount of learnings consolidated. made me really happy (overjoyed i'd say). had a small sliver of quiet time reading the papers though but that's that. at this stage i can pretty much say i got used to/ have peace with 15-16 hours of continuous work in a day, and then good treadmill and weights sessions to purge all the accumulated mess in my head.

ah, i will get my break after the next 10 days. a real good one :)

for now, i shall get cracking on the last leg of this one pretty amazing rotation.

so much for self motivation :)

in this March

2011-03-11T14:24:00.000-08:00

i haven't write in a while. i have been really busy, and tired, and i have allowed myself to, for a moment, lose sight of all the things i love in this world. i have worked really really hard and i have been running alot--the last week when i couldnt really cope with work, i have decided to shave some time off the treadmill, only to find myself creeping back on it at 6 in the morning like a druggie, because i want each day to be okay, which running promises. also i have lost my way several times like what i always do, and have held my standards so low to deal with puerile stuff with people i don't care about in the first place (my goodness what did i do) and drank too much coffee. i totally forgot about reading myself to bed and checking in with the best people in my little world and last night i felt like i need a detox.

my idea of detox :

ate fried chicken in my weight and have a huge dietcoke and finished all the chocolate in the house by myself
downing that bottle of red, all by myself :) snuggled up and have myself transported to Paris in the 80s.
read about the commitment phobe Hemingway and got my heart painful and fuming..
slept seven hours like a fat baby
and with a mild hangover, i am to long run in the dark like today's a race day. to an extremely fierce and competitive run. and say hi to all my 6am friends with a big smile because 6am people are different from 9am people. 9 am people are annoying, they ram into everyone.

haha

*
yesterday i talked to a good friend. we caught up on life and i love it that our conversations always give me perspectives. life was rough and tough but he just took it in his stride and went headlong into things. the way he held true to his principles, worked damn hard, and with the biggest heart in the world, stood up for what's right for his family and friends time and time again..that amazes me big time. i love and praise strength when i see it, i needed that boost yesterday and felt thankful that i have people like that in my life at this age, to talk to, to learn from, and to know that this friendship is something worth holding on.

thank you god.

*

i dont fancy talking about sad things, but...

i was quite happy yesterday, i let myself be, for no reason at all. oh well i have fried chicken. it felt as though i took a long journey and came back to where i started out, back to where i am when i was an extremely happy girl with bright eyes and that perpetual unbrushed hair, who love dresses and dessert and hanging out with my brothers and think life's pretty swell and people are all good. all the way back before i listen to michael buble and start doing distant running to get endorphins. :)

and at that traffic light when i always ask how am i today? i know with my heart so sure that i'd always be good. it's not easy to be happy on some days but when i fought for it fiercely enough i always end up getting happiness to be on my side, and with practice it gets easier. i have never thought i'd say this, and i am thankful that i could say these words.

i will be okay.

i hope the next post will be an amazing one.

i am going to

2011-03-04T09:24:00.000-08:00

do a good ten miles, purge all the negative emotions and leave them in the garden

push myself harder

rejuvenate with lotsa beautiful writings and things i love so much

make this saturday and sunday a good and significant one

good night

-and this week i promise myself to only surround myself with people who hold my back, love me and have good hearts. the rest do not need my time, at all.

< 3

reading weekend

2011-02-20T03:04:00.000-08:00

spent sunday inside, reading up for my rotation. 100 plus pages of dense paragraphs, nailed!! damn right it makes me extremely good. love it when i am in the zone and can focus amazingly well, thankful for a good day :)

yesterday i bought myself a basketful of my favourite food, to make this weekend plan of getting through a mad reading list feels ten times better. i got a loaf of dense chewy apricot bread, scones(scones have my heart, forever) , banana bread (my heart's here too), coconut jelly, beetroot and tomato juice, pink guava and a jar of very salty sambal.. which was out of the world goooood! that jar got me through the massive amount of broccoli i had to eat for the weekend! haha!

i am off to grill vegetables for the coming week, get through that scary laundry with 100000 running clothes and put my legs up.. doing nothing.

feel.so.good.

hoping for another great week, learning the ropes.

* this little note was on my desk since yesterday

Have some fire. Be unstoppable. Be a force of nature. Be better than anyone here. And don't give a damn what anyone thinks. There are no teams here. No buddies. You're on your own. Be your own.
-Grey's anatomy

yes, like it or not. :)

2011-02-18T07:16:00.000-08:00

my eyes are burning but i finished the week's work. i feel tremendous :)

i have been busy. i have been okay.

an old song was on the radio when i was stuck in the traffic, it was beautiful.

i realized i am god damn lucky girl.

i decided to let the universe decide whatever that is best for me.

i will just take what it gives, and things are unfolding as they should be.

take heart, girl.

2011-02-14T07:12:00.000-08:00

i had a real good day today.

i love the work i am currently doing,

alot. thankfully.

there are thing that makes me a sad,

but i guess i can handle it

i will just have to focus harder

on the things that make me happy

there's alot too.

:)

i can do this! gotta kickasss no matter what :)

ps i got a few beautiful mails i'd have to remind myself to post up one day. those that make me smile. ah :)

happy valentines.

i surprise myself too often

2011-02-12T08:02:00.000-08:00

sigh.

what a day.

when i thought i'd most probably be crushed like hell,

but funny how i am feeling pretty light, knowing there are things i couldn't control, as much as i want to.

crossing my fingers hoping to be fine and good again asap

i guess i will, if i don't, i will always have runs to do.

i will always have rotations to do.

i am glad.

Shanghai Girls by Lisa See

2011-02-03T01:46:00.000-08:00

this book made me stayed up way beyond my bedtime

SO GOOD

confession : i never like Amy Tan's writings. Joy Luck Club etc- i thought they were really trite, contrived.

this is my blog so i can forthrightly state my opinion.

it's been several years since Jung Chang's Wild Swans, which was epic, epic, epic.

i am glad i found another favourite chinese author. :)

gonna spend the day reading Orangette, a blog with an archive dated back to 2004, it's gonna be a long, long night. the girl writes so well!

in the new year, remember to always read

2011-02-01T19:31:00.000-08:00

a few hours ago, i woke up in the middle of the night, feeling happy. not the ostentatious cymbals-banging-festoons-fluttering happy, but happy because... just because. i haven't feel that way for a long, long time, maybe because life has been one whirlwind after another, and i haven't have time to muck around? all smiles and feeling full in the heart, i counted my blessings, before tucking them away under my pillow for safekeeping, and i went back to sleep. this year is going to be one good year, it feels as though i have 'arrived', at a place where i wish my heart and soul would be at. these are things that you just know. really, you just know.

these days i have been spending more time being horizontal than vertical, reading.

three days ago i went out with a friend, during that outing i discovered a shelf in the bookstore displaying beautiful, delectable books on food writings. i got terribly excited, but only pick up one book because of financial constraint. boo.

that fine day was also interjected with sweet potato tarts, red dresses, lots of amazing stories and a friend i love dearly.

two days ago i read Molly Wizenberg's A Homemade Life. i tottered my book everywhere, and felt so sad when i finished it that evening. it was the first time in a long long time a book suck me in so deeply. that day, i went to Paris, ate pain au chocolat all over again, and grew up as a girl in the west coast of america. it was sooo beautiful and left me extremely exhausted by the end of it. i am eternally grateful for good reads.

time to dive into a new book while waiting for all the new year shenanigans to start! and wear lots of red, totally fine by me !

ps/ Lee Yi Lin and Chok Chun Ynh and Chok Chun Hung, hope you celebrate with lots of laughter i miss you all!

2011-01-25T20:31:00.000-08:00

i am back. from the realms of storybooks. i am so over fiction now (just sayin')

my favourite one is Recipe for Life by Pellegrino.

because it's about Italy. and food. and nature. :) i miss my best friend.

i am ready to do real work!

let's get started !!!!!!

affirmations

2011-01-25T20:12:00.000-08:00

over February, a month of celebrations and new horizons and hopefully, plenty of growth

Remember,

to have a big heart

to love myself

to step out of my comfort zone whenever i can

to run because i love the breeze and the smell of grass, and to stay strong

if i get hurt, i am allowed to be weak and dwell in sadness for awhile and choose to love and be good again

to never be disillusioned by fake dependence, and habitual addiction

to trust my gut feeling,

to be strong emotionally,

remember my passions, work really, really hard, and have fun

to know that whatever is taking place should be taking place, so, take heart, be at peace

to surround myself with amazing people as often as i can

to never condone anything against my beliefs

to put health, sleep, and being well first

eat good food

to listen

to enjoy life, have lotsa fun

to read. always read.

ideals

2011-01-15T04:48:00.000-08:00

this week when i couldnt find any big booming happiness to fill myself up, i tried looking harder. this week i found chocolate bread, easy friendships, mustard, and chicken.

a new Emily Giffin book and a huge bowl of banana peanut butter oats hit the spot on friday night.

i heard plenty of stories, i love them all, i love stories with an appetite.

i worked out so beastly today, it was helluva amazing.

so i thought, i could really practice shrugging whimsically and getting on with life with so much carelessness towards emotions and people, on the other hand direct all my compulsion to my work, and that'd be idyllic. and why not?

Resolutions that came a little late! :)

2011-01-11T06:43:00.001-08:00

i never really trusted myself when i said i am not going to have any resolutions, this year. haha :) i love making goals and flirting with outrageous dreams, the ones so big and impossible they scared the daylight outta me, yet made me snivel like an idiot when i get see what comes out of it. my kind of fun :) 1st of Jan came too soon before i figured out what i want to do for another one year of my life, so, here goes-- all the bigs and smalls.

1) be fully committed to medschool. medschool is the most important thing in my life right now. 18 months before graduation. i want to give my all, work really hard and give only my best for O&G-Peads-Psy-PH-electives-Med-Surg-Finals. no one says it's going to be easy, i will work hard and take my work seriously, go the extra mile and enjoy myself along the way !!!

2) I want to concentrate more on strength training this year.
i know how important st is and how much benefit i can reap, from becoming a better runner, run stronger races, to shaving my marathon's personal record(not planning to train this year, as to now), and who knows i might end of with a very coveted 'runner physique'! :)

running is just so good to me, it'd have to stay. long runs stay. i am still trying to work up a good routine to have the best of both worlds, and not taking up more time from my usual routine. i am learning.

3)Be my own Nanny! fuel myself, sleep 6, and worry less.
it feels like rocket science to me sometimes, haha.:) this year i am going to nail those 3 down to science, and practice harder to be better at taking care of myself. i will cook my dinner for most evenings, stop eating peanut butter sandwich as an easy way out. i will take it one meal at a time till it becomes habit, i can do this! eggwhites oats, welcome back!

and LEARN how know what is within my control and what is not, and STOP worrying/thinking/mulling upon what i absolutely have no power over. this includes everything in life!

4) continue reading a little bit each day
reading makes me calm and keeps me happy in ways i myself don't understand. blogs and news doesn't count, they just don't have the same effect as an in depth, thick novel.

5) call my nanny more often, as in at least once per week! it makes both of us happy so why not?
go home as much as i could, and for everyone's sake, take the initiative to drive home now that i am an adult.

6) Be Happy.
happiness takes effort, and it's the harder but the better way. i want to try my best to choose happiness, whenever i can.

7) Cherish those friendships that mean alot to me and make me smile.

8) and, don't try.

that's it. i think i've got my plate pretty full

2011-01-03T06:41:00.000-08:00

i forgot how friends could make my heart melts, many times over. i asked for help, and i was given so much generosity i was a little taken aback, before i start smiling. i give a gazillion thanks for lovely people in my life because today is the day i retracted my birthday wish. and it's okay- there's my real birthday for backup, so i can make a real wish soon ;)

i thought about the scene in my book when Elizabeth Gilbert knelt on the floor in her shower, and gently told herself 'Liz, go back to bed'. i did as she did, today. i stopped thinking and went back to bed. i woke up not wanting to think about it anymore because it's just not me to think about it and it made me quite sad about the idea, so i did the next reasonable thing- i read up some school stuff, and gladfully reading reminded me about things i love so much and would happily work hard for, so i promise myself to just dive in and stop thinking about stupid things like that.

easing myself into the jazz of things, doing good. :)

writing calms me so much.

may 2011 rains love and happiness

2010-12-31T09:41:00.000-08:00

so just like that, i turn 23

it was one with the people i love with all my heart, right next to me, so in many ways it's pretty amazing.

i have with me a small piece of quiet i felt like writing something, anything

today talking to my brother made me happy. i miss him a lot.

early morning after my run, my little brother lifted his head, stare at me, groggily said happy birthday and continue watching cartoons.

my little brother is not little anymore, but i am very proud of him.

brothers are pretty cool to have, i guess, once the rivalry phase is over. they are the boys you can love with all your heart without being afraid of getting hurt. they are the boys who know you in and out good and ugly yet love you all the same. they don't throw weird tantrums. they eat pizza and your leftovers. they carry things. i think they would stand by me if i need them to?

today i spent a quiet afternoon over my grandma's place, the home i grew up in. we talked about me. and while she napped i drink a hot cocoa, read a lovely book and dozed off a little while after. i woke up feeling so peaceful i thought i couldn't be any happier than that moment.

i made a wish and blew out the candles. it's a secret. i had some cake but it wasn't too good.

*

break was good. i read a lot, fell in love with stories about WWII, horses and cowboys, cute love stories. i finally got to read some jane austen and didn't fancy mr darcy like the whole world did- mind games, egoistic and playing coy? nahhh ;) i saw some places, took plenty of long rides on buses, had fun watching The Elf on christmas eve, and had a white christmas. i love the sweet glutinous balls for winter solstice- it's so different but so good. i gained pounds, and thought it was worth it. i am trying to eat alot of home food, so delicious.

*

i ate my cake and thought. i would have my cake too.

tomorrow alot of things would be different.

sometimes i think, there is so much baggage in people. i am not generally cynical about goodness and kindness but i have been saying to myself again and again and again, you have gotta be careful putting your heart out there, really. sometimes it's not the intention of others to hurt us on purpose but you'd still be hurt in the process. for if i have one wish i'd wish for everything to be simple.

take a respite, heart.

*

being an extremely goal driven person, i don't intent to keep any resolutions for 2011.

my ambition : to be happy.

screw those baggages and complicated business.

may 2011 be the year, i learn how to love and be happy.

going to bed, going to talk to the universe, going to sleep in.

clean house and holiday cheer

2010-12-15T20:56:00.000-08:00

it's been some time since i woke up at 3am, with last night's bedtime reading popping into mind which excites me a little too much, so i kept myself bundled under covers and read for another few hours before my tummy starts protesting. so fun. I am reading Sarah's Key, a book about the holocaust in 1942 which bothers me ALOT but it's so good. i picked up the book last night, what else could make me happier than knowing a book i placed an order has arrived in the bookstore, and.. right after exam! grin.

it's also been some time since i have all the time in the world to work out properly and also at a comfortable pace. 30 minutes of cardio on the treadmill, another half an hour of strength exercises and wrapping all up with glorious stretching. so much running this few months and my muscles are practically as stiff as plastic. i really enjoyed my work out today.

and feeling hypermotivated, i then thoroughly sorted through the one year stuff i accumulated. backed up all the files on the computer, placing paper material into their rightful binders, throw out all the non essential stuff, and cleared all 9 pigeon holes on me shelf. scrubbed the toilet clean, climbed high and low and tackled all cobwebs and got my wardrobe straighten out, which is one elephantine task. wrote up a post mortem, and felt bad for the attitude i had towards the subjects i don't fancy during the semester--really need to get that attitude iron out because there will be so many things that i don't necessarily like in medicine but i have to put in good effort because it's for me to be a safe doctor! girl please understand this already.

5 hours after and i am done. so satisfying. muscle ache feels fun.

-------------

recently life presented with a few cirumstances which felt so familiar in an uncanny way. it's like giving the 23 year old me another chance to handle them, after the foibles i made when i was 4-5 years younger. i was surprised and at the same time felt at peace with my my decisions this time around, which made me realized how i have grown and changed so much in these years. Mom told me many times regarding how i have changed alot, i don't know in a good or bad way, but i certainly hope it's for the better.

i noticed how people around me changed and adapted to the cirle of friends they often hang out with, their personality, their paradigms through which they see the world just took a radical 180 degree change, perhaps it's natural since we are at a pretty impressionable age. the influence is so tangible it made me think about what kind of person i want to become and how other people might change or influence who i am, my decisions and my outlook. i am a believer of not compromising certain values that is of utmost importance to oneself, but how often do people really hold on to that? how frequent do people succumb under peer pressure because it's the path of least resistance? and after days and months and years of succumbing, there surely will be a different person at the other end of the tunnel, isn't that right? so choosing my friends wisely might be the crucial determining factor of my future.

i am talking about this because recently, a girlfriend and I talked about her wanting leave a circle of friends because toxicity in the group of people has really taken a toll on her. i applauded her courage to make a bold decision to leave, and was proud that she's strong and awesome as a girl. she would probably have to be alone for some time before she finds the people who would support her dreams and visions, but hell, i think it might be the greatest decision she has even made in this year.

i guess, sometimes you just have to sit down with a cup of coffee, and, really think for yourself and your future--- accepting anything lesser than the best is just .. not worth the ride.

go catch the trade wind in your sails, like mark twain says. love the girl.

last one down :)

2010-12-14T05:35:00.000-08:00

exhaustion finally sets in. i still have another paper tomorrow morning, i sure hope i don't fail this one. i have been cringing at the amount of mistakes for the first part of the paper, it's funny at first but not funny already.

today i had my eye exams, it went swimmingly. although ophthalmology not being exactly my cup of tea, over the long preparation period i definitely learnt loads, cleared up alot of muddled concepts and consolidated alot of important ideas. i am happy because at least i learnt something. now i need one hundred interesting books to make it up for the dry days.

need to tuck in now to say a long prayer so that i pass my exams tomorrow! no kidding.

what makes me happy- book shopping for holiday readings, i have a massive lists! so stoked.

about The Ultramarathon Man

2010-12-10T07:44:00.000-08:00

enjoyed reading the first part of Dean Karnazes' first book- The Ultramarathon man tonight.

awed.

i have always thought running is his professional life, was surprised by the fact that he, like all of us, has a job to go to at 8am, a wife and two kids, and aging parents to be taken care of. his austere schedule being getting up at 4am and run 3 hours (a marathon) before sending his kids to school and get to work by 8am. Working straight through lunch time so that he can leave work early and run for another hour, before getting home to his family. spending saturdays and sundays running in the night for more than 8 hours, inspiring the world with his feats.

his diet is exceptionally stellar. with his NO 3 WHITES rule - no white carbs, white sugar and white shortenings(being hydrogenated fat). not even birthday cake on his kids' bday because of sugar. exceptionally clean. in short, just 5 salmons per week with organic salads and whole grains. THAT IS ALL. no complaints of cravings, demanding for variety or whatever. i can't even comment on the weight training regime and runs because they are unfathomable. 400 sit ups per day? let me faint

i read about his 100 miles badwater and westcoast run,which he put it so beautifully in words it feels as though i am out there doing the trails. the emotions in distance running is indescribable most of the time, and when some one could put down words so perfectly, it's amazing.

Quote Karno

Covering 100 miles on foot was more than a lesson in survival, it was an education on the grace of living. Running is a solo sport, but it was no longer about me anymore; i become almost irrelevant. My struggles were not about a single runner trying to finsih this unfathomable challenge but about the greater ability of a human being to persevere against insurmountable odds. The many supporters who'd procided encouragement and strength along the way didnt really care about me per se-hell, they didnt even know who I was, What they cared about was that a person had taken the time to train, and sacrifice, and dedicate himself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of a dream. It was a powerful message; I was just the host. And proud to be. Upholding my end of the commitment meant crossing the finish line, and I was now going to make damn sure that happened. For all of us.

Thanks Mr Legend, and yes, for all of us. you are stronger than you think you are.

'If it comes easy, if it doesnt require extraordinary effort, you're not pushing hard enough: It's supposed to hurt like hell.'

----------------------------------------

good break before the next stretch of exams prep. gonna fix a longrun in tomorrow to get my supply of adrenaline, and i think there should be a pretty beetroot juice after!!

happy and excited, so goodnight!

for a break, i reminisced

2010-12-08T17:02:00.000-08:00

when i was a kid, i have always imagine winter as a season of huddling in the heaviest comforter, with a piping hot coffee next to me, with a beautiful book. and snow. snow so light and soft and so beautiful which feels like fairy tales. when i was a kid, i play make-believe alot, because i read too much. i spent more time reading than i live in reality, which worried my parents big time.

when i grew up, when i was 21 and in the midst of all shenanigans in medical school, the winter dreams came true. i was overwhelmed with happiness when i saw my first snow, throughout winter i secretly peered down the backyards of my neighbours, entranced with the act of them shoveling snow. i went outside to run in the middle of winter when i can't take anymore treadmilling, decked out in 3 layers of running clothes, leggings, gloves and scarfs, looking all badass. i sprained both my ankles, slipped countless of times, and came home with snot, ruddy cheeks and red eyes, plus happiness, so much of happiness. sometimes with some butternut squash and winter veges to be roasted for some post-running fuel. my brother and i ran into a 'snowstorm' when we were in paris disneyland, it was massive massive good times, i went on all the rides because the cold became more terrifying than 20 stories hotel hollywood horror, and i went penniless buying hot chocolates for both of us.

on the other note, winter has always been harsh. reality was not storybooks or hot chocolates, but inches and inches of readings to be done because final exams always had to be the extreme killjoy, and stress, boy do they run wild. and walking miles and waiting for the buses to go to work at dawn- so that i could see places over christmas(and feed my scary obsession for theaters), getting my fingers frozen over while washing alot of bums and poos, feeling hungry when feeding patients, sure sucks. getting stranded in airports sucks big time. honestly, i really really hate the cold.

with winter pictures here and there, i didn't really miss it a bit, well, apart from that little corner in my room facing the east where i could see the sun rises everyday after spending hours working on my desk--it's really pretty. it's my motivation to work harder and made me smile all the time.

yeah, winter is only really pretty in enid blytons. that is why reading is fun.
*

wrote this for a sensory break after reading for 4 hours through, this is one toughie but i got to the last day of preparation already, jusa wee bit more

now to work out for a good sweat and getting rejuv. a few more hours of drilling and i am done, i can do this, go me go! :) you, have a pleasant day too.

exams :)

2010-12-05T06:07:00.000-08:00

twas a great weekend, despite it being centered around exams prep.

mom and little brother came over and they kept things mellow around the apartment. i had them getting me lunch and dinner, so much good food, hehe thank you :D i miss them.

saturday i did a pretty good 'recoverery' run for an hour in the botanicals, i just ran on the flat route and stayed off the hills, it was painless! imagine my happiness. the knees still gets warm after awhile though. i hope things get back to normal in another week.

got some beet juice post run, so so good. i see a big obsession looming.

a new CD for my car, major happiness because those poignant sad songs are my favourites

and i found a new blog to follow, love the whole theme and ideas, and feels so 'me'. made me so happy.

rejuvenated. can't wait to get back into routines, same food same run same old thing, nice :)

bedtime, exam tomorrow and a busy week ahead, hello luck! stay with me, haha. :)

2010 a.k.a virgin marathon year in review :)

2010-12-01T21:19:00.001-08:00

today i have a tough to-do list for the morning (to me it's tough haha), but i ninja kicked it, with some help from coffee, lots of beans and peanut bars. coffee calms my studying heart, i'm not kidding. ;)

i woke up to a Hello December on tumblr, and i was ... startled. seriously, where did the year go?
did i become a better person?
did i seize the year?

i calmed my heart with another coffee.

the year has started off being extremely busy and challenging, with alot of trepidations.
there was the day i alighted from the plane that brought me back to the place i love most, i remember feeling overjoyed like never before. that was the first day when i ran under a real sun until my lungs burnt and my skin scalded under the unforgiving rays, for hours and hours on. i was badly burnt, it was a really stupid thing to do, but funny how i am glad i gave in to madness because that feeling of happiness felt so tangible now.

followed on was the days i learnt to blend into my new bed, arranged all my favourite books on the shelf, which made me happy; on a hot sunday afternoon before school starts i gingerly stepped into a place that reek of antiseptic, and felt forever indebted to a person that taught me so much. i learnt how to fit my running schedule into days of early mornings, days when the treadmill broke and i made new friends in the field. i learnt how to drive, and try to make peace with the traffic, a little more to go. and then, medicine learning took such a sharp turn and everything was different, so much better than ever before. it was hard work, more demanding than the preclinical years but i didn't quite mind the work, because it was lively and everything felt.. real. the sheer thought that learning equals equipping myself with knowledge that could help save people was exciting. i had fun, so much fun; somehow the social life had to be put on the back burner, as i wanted to spend whatever the time i have to see my family, i don't know other ways to do this, so lousy friend it is. tough life haha.

then came the marathon training for a crazy 8 months, one of the toughest thing i signed myself up for. it was plenty of hard work, in a really good way. it took up so much of energy and time i'd have to plan my days and eats extra carefully. over the months of training i slowly learnt to go by with less sleep, and decided to tuck in by 9 at night just so i could get more work done in the mornings before i run for 8km, the distance would made me so tired. i learnt to kept eating through the mornings in the hospital haha and while bingeing on protein i went easy on the carbs, because they kept the energy shooting through the roof. rice to me became like sleeping pills. i learnt about the magic of spinach shake which is really really raw and gross, i learnt how coffee made me run so much better haha. at one point(at many actually) i wanted to just throw in the towel and stop doing this 26.2 thing because i felt like i can die. my period decided to change their cycle and only visit when i stop running for at least 2 days. it came 3 times in the last eleven months when i stop running so hard for a few days and i think i discover my physiological Pill :D ah, but too much work. after 8 months of 2-3 hour runs in botanical garden i made a few 'wavinghand' friendship with amazing people and fell in love with that place, it's so beautiful and calm at dawn. one day i want to go there as a traveller just to enjoy the place once more, not as a runner. one day :)

at the mark of 35km and gulping down the last energy gel i brought along during the marathon, i was overwhelmed with so much emotions i broke down and cried like an idiot. hiccuping and trying to pace my breath is not easy at all haha. crying was from so much happiness knowing i will survive- 7km more to go and i was so confident this 7km will be the easiest thing in the world right there right then, i could nail this. i had absolutely nothing to hang on to, there was no one on the road with me at that point, i had no pacer, there was no music, i had no more water or gel if i need one, my glycogen level is totally beyond empty, my lungs are burning, whenever i unblock my mind to try to gauge the level of pain i was feeling- i wanted to cry. it was bad, seriously, i felt like my knees could pop and i could fracture my hip in one more step. i decided to ignore all sensations, it was crazy .... because it was possible to do so. i put on a game face at 37 and decided to go for sub 4:30, and i made the sub 4:30 thank you god best gift in the 22 years of my life, very sure. running this marathon made me realised how lonely and scary the road can be, during running as well as life itself, especially when the going gets tough and people will trickle away, one by one. the only thing you can hold on for dear life at that point when you lost everything you thought would be your companion- your energy, your gels, probably your friends, family and everything you have, the only only only thing that you are left with is just the little voice inside you. the tiny voice back there that would always be with you no matter what happens, no matter what you become and how alone you are.. the hero that mariah carey has been talking about.

and this year the greatest thing i learnt among so many things i have learnt, is that the little voice is my best and truest friend.

she's probably the only thing i dare to love with all my heart and soul because she stays, she has never abandon me at any point in life, and she's the only constant in such a fickle world. when i was weak and wanted to give up, i know who to turn to.

they always say a marathon is life changing.

i don't know, to me it just felt like killing a huge monster.

like what Alice did in Alice the Wonderland, ya know?

December is my favourite month, mom is visiting tonight with new books, such a goood omen haha. off day today because i want to annoy my mom and my little brother.

such a beautiful year. sigh.

it's been 4 months

2010-11-30T06:41:00.001-08:00

i love japanese sweet potatoes. i have been eating them for 3 consecutive days and i have been dreaming about them at night.

how could something that looks so awkward taste so perfect?

love em. dinner was amazin'

*
this rotation is ending soon, finally! the days are easy, workload is little, that's just about it. the kind of work that makes me look forward to the holidays, too much. too much.

*
ten days after the marathon, the hips are still hurting after 2 miles on the treadmill. the knees and ankles healed pretty much, just the hips, i hope it stop hurting soon so that i can go back to do distance. treadmill running just doesn't cut it, i am just addicted to getting myself stinky and sweaty.

*
i read too much lately. less demanding schedule perhaps. just an excuse if i may . haha

last last weekend i finished The Poisonwood Bible, such a good read and i learnt alot. i want to read it again if i have time, but it's not possible so i enjoyed myself throughout the book. it's heavy, but so good

last long weekend i got overwhelmed from too much of heavy textbook reading so i got myself reading nicholas sparks new book- The Safe Haven. haha, good choice right? i drove all the way to the bookshop and read for 2 hours straight, glorious. it was a really cute one, great for an overwhelming study day because it's so light and it's an author you could trust with your heart- that guy never ever go wrong. i love Katie i love Alex the ex wife ghost is kinda eerie, and i love a small town story. so nice :)

I placed a book order for sarah's key, it's a historical fiction and sounds like a good read for the holidays.

I bought a new biography of Sebastian Coe on credit because i ran out of cash, sorry dad. Mr Coe is the chairperson of London's 2012 Olympics he's the finest middle distance runner the world has ever seen and the only man who has even won the 1500m Olympic twice. He also has an engineer for a dad whose name is Peter Coe who happens to use his biomechanics knowledge to train Sebastian. i am halfway through and i know i am going to read this for at least another 5 times before i get my hands on the armstrong one
*

that's mostly about the more exciting part of life, something less exciting ones would be like, having the fourth consecutive meal made up of broccoli and egg. i want to make it more exciting by seeing how long can i go on this austere diet.

*

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T14:18:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning, remember i stil have clothes lying in the machine, wanted to kicked my self hard for the clothes would have smell awful by now, but later finding out they have been hung out, by some one in the family. thankouuu. everytime they popped by for a little visit, the floor will be less icky(from all the sweat), .the fridge will be filled up to the brim with so much fruits, bread, chocolate and and my pepper biscuitttt!!! :)

i woke up also to facebook, grin, knowing how my brother who is over the continent will attend his first thanksgiving dinner tonight, will turkey stuffings and pumpkin pie, and feeling thankful for all of it.

i am thankful for family.

today i am thankful for my little brother's recently developed love for reading, for my education, for being a girl in Malaysia, for being a phone call away from my parents, for true friends whom i can trust and love with all my heart, for purely how-are-you phone calls, the people in casualty who was so kind to help me with line setting and blood taking yesterday, for surgical grand rounds, for books that give me so many worlds, for coffee, for the money in my pocket, for being carried through a strong first marathon by something bigger, for being overwhelmed and for the tears when i crossed the 26.2 finish line, for spinach and eggs, the the poem Desirata, for the bloggers who believe in their dreams and make me believe in mine too, for botanical garden, for peanut butter, for the texts during my marathons, for sunday coffee and papers with dad, for family, for family, for family and the people i think of as family.

and so many other things they put tears to my eyes

Happy Thanksgiving, i hope you remember to count your blessings to the details today!

Dear Me, remember

2010-11-23T03:01:00.000-08:00

you have to do a whole lot of things you don't like to, before you reach the place where you get to do the things you love. everyone has to go through that, so work really hard. even at those mundane bits. cherish the fact that you know what you love and how capable you are when you love something so much. working hard brings you to places. so work hard.

be kind, judge less

all the more when your whole life will be spent having others asking for you to make them feel better.

learn to be kind.

YinLing

PBI 2010 Marathon Recap

2010-11-21T05:27:00.000-08:00

everyone knows how a marathon is a runner's holy grail. 8 months of training culminates, into one very beautiful race. it was an experience of the fluidity of motions, steady pace and quiet breathings, and learning how time could actually passed by swiftly when spacing out is done perfectly.

i am really happy, more relieved than anything. and thankful, very very thankful.

my first 30 km of the race was pretty effortless, so easy it kept me on my edge, fearing that at any minute my luck will be used up and the whole biomechanics will giveaway. it didn't. the breathing stays the form stays i thank god profusely.
I didnt use any gel pack to last me through the first 30, seeing that i am pretty happy with the pace, so save it for a rainy day--GOOD decision during the last 10!!!

penang bridge hump was easy, it wasn't really too much of a slope at any instances- one part that i have been quite worried because hills and I, we aren't really on good terms. running on penang bridge was awesome, the row of neon lights just makes spacing out sooo easy, there was so much place to run, it's a pity we could only run it on race day.

and it rained cats and dogs, the serene heaven opens up and it was mighty and torrential. whew i remember my running cap! so my sight was nicely taken care of and it was pretty fun. things started to get really interesting at that point. the shenanigans of those poor men cracked me up along the way-slowed me down from being too good a spectator. people started wearing rain coats( inside my head i heard Garlan saying- it's just water!!! and i cracked up again, haha) and cowering in lorries which are supposed to carry our drinks. some took off their tops and some just sulked on the divider. big burly men?!!

back to the race. well, the music player DIED. hooray.. i have never run without music and i had 25km left. two and a half hours if i am lucky, dear me. i turned the situation around by searching for a good runner to pace,it works!!! the pacer was awesome btw, couldnt have done it without him really.

so being really wet with each steps of squashing out water from your shoes, i kept spacing in and out of consciousness and subconsciousness and wish things will end ASAP despite feeling still relatively comfortable.

30km came and go, and trepidations for the following kilometres. anything beyond 30km is terra incognita, some place i have never been to. i didn't know what will happen, i can't wait to find out, at the same time fearing the notorious human brickwall which is said by runners to be approximately at mile 22 or 33km. i don't know if it's bad preconceptions playing its effect, but things did get quite challenging from then on.

i took 3 shots of running gels in merely 5km. i needed that booster, i felt slow. AND THEN i saw the 35km marker, i decided to stop playing safe and give it my all for the last 7km( hindsight it was too early!!!) i have so much energy-- i was thinking maybe the reservoir in my butt/spare tyres has suddenly been unearthed and fat store being released like fountain, haha. i had fun overtaking runners who started walking already, i dare not walk one bit, knowing once i start to walk,it will be so hard to go into a steady motion and i will start doing choppy miles which i really really hate.

---------
i am so tired now, will edit some times later.
currently feeling feverish and refusal to accept any kind of food, since post marathon.
and the palpitations is coming really strong!
need to rest and recover

it's back to real life tomorrow, haiyaaa real world ....

PBI 2010 Marathon Recap

2010-11-21T05:26:00.000-08:00

everyone knows how a marathon is a runner's holy grail. 8 months of training culminates, into one very beautiful race. it was an experience of the fluidity of motions, steady pace and quiet breathings, and time swiftly passed by when spacing out is done perfectly.

i am really happy, more relieved than anything. and thankful, very very thankful.

my first 30 km of the race was pretty effortless, so easy it kept me on my edge, fearing that at any minute my luck will be used up and the whole biomechanics will giveaway. it didn't. the breathing stays the form stays i thank god profusely.
I didnt use any gel pack to last me through the first 30, seeing that i am pretty happy with the pace, so save it for a rainy day--GOOD decision during the last 10!!!

penang bridge hump was easy, it wasn't really too much of a slope at any instances- one part that i have been quite worried because hills and I, we aren't really on good terms. running on penang bridge was awesome, the row of neon lights just makes spacing out sooo easy, there was so much place to run, it's a pity we could only run it on race day.

and it rained cats and dogs, the serene heaven opens up and it was mighty and torrential. whew i remember my running cap! so my sight was nicely taken care of and it was pretty fun. things started to get really interesting at that point. the shenanigans of those poor men cracked me up along the way-slowed me down from being too good a spectator. people started wearing rain coats( inside my head i heard Garlan saying- it's just water!!! and i cracked up again, haha) and cowering in lorries which are supposed to carry our drinks. some took off their tops and some just sulked on the divider. big burly men?!!

back to the race. well, the music player DIED. hooray.. i have never run without music and i had 25km left. two and a half hours if i am lucky, dear me. i turned the situation around by searching for a good runner to pace,it works!!! the pacer was awesome btw, couldnt have done it without him really.

so being really wet with each steps of squashing out water from your shoes, i kept spacing in and out of consciousness and subconsciousness and wish things will end ASAP despite feeling still relatively comfortable.

30km came and go, and trepidations for the following kilometres. anything beyond 30km is terra incognita, some place i have never been to. i didn't know what will happen, i can't wait to find out, at the same time fearing the notorious human brickwall which is said by runners to be approximately at mile 22 or 33km. i don't know if it's bad preconceptions playing its effect, but things did get quite challenging from then on.

i took 3 shots of running gels in merely 5km. i needed that booster, i felt slow. AND THEN i saw the 35km marker, i decided to stop playing safe and give it my all for the last 7km( hindsight it was too early!!!) i have so much energy-- i was thinking maybe the reservoir in my butt/spare tyres has suddenly been unearthed and fat store being released like fountain, haha. i had fun overtaking runners who started walking already, i dare not walk one bit, knowing once i start to walk,it will be so hard to go into a steady motion and i will start doing choppy miles which i really really hate.

---------
i am so tired now, will edit some times later.
currently feeling feverish and refusal to accept any kind of food, since post marathon.
and the palpitations is coming really strong!
need to rest and recover

it's back to real life tomorrow, haiyaaa real world ....

2010-11-20T20:05:00.000-08:00

done my marathon and now i have 8 hours to finish my new book before i have to go back to the real world!!! it's so seriously goooood

and i have a bottle of Shiraz chillin' in the fridge, claimed to be a gem by my dad, oh my.
and some dark chocolate also.
and persimmons

all because i did not walk one bit during the marathon, and now reward is a decadent day as i wish. life is good :)

work, go awayyy for now.

PRE MARY

2010-11-20T03:20:00.000-08:00

7 hours before the marathon.

spent a day eating breakfast, scouting for chocolate running gels high and low, arranged my playlist again adn again meticulously, laid in bed trying to nap for the whole afternoon, with a new book to keep me sane and plenty of fruits to up the amount of carbs i could handle in this critical few hours, and then, a huge plate of carbs at 5pm before going to bed, like right now. i feel like a samurai, i am happy with carb loading.

and the whole day was spent doing just that. glad dad is here with me going through it all. thanks dad.

it goes to show how much a marathon demands, physically and mentally. especially mentally, no physically, no i don't know, a third of your daily life i supposed

2 days without running to keep me as restless as possible and YES, the urge to just go out there and run distance is brewing inside, finally.

i am not as nervous as the last 26km, though the mileage this time is definitely terra incognita.

dear body parts, let's all be good, let's be quiet and cooperative tonight, let's trust in our training, let's make this a good one! i have all my faith in all of you

so before i start off, i want to say a prayer, for good weather, for an awesome race, for everyone to run safe and strong, for all runners who has been training so hard to reach their personal fitness goal.

and my personal goal is just to keep running positively and be grateful for every single step that i can do.

along the way, throw water cups and banana skin fiercely because it's fun! and i secretly loved to.

sleep. good weather please god thank you god.

ben carson is my new hero

2010-11-16T07:14:00.000-08:00

spent a day zooming about town. picked up my swag bag for the marathon, marathoners are donning a blue jersey this time around, not pink not red, tough luck. the finisher tee is the coveted one though!

also sent my brother off the airport for him to get back to jakarta.

had a good meal with the rest of the family, whom i hadn't seen since last friday! haha, feels like ages because the days of crouching over textbooks are long and droning. i loved my neurology revision, it was a whirlwind of 3 days figuring out alot of texts but was so worthwhile. the knowledge is sitting in my brain a little more snugly now.

radiology posting---- days and days being void of human contact, far from bedside medicine, and with physics discussions-cannot get worse than that! oh well, i am just saying because my participation has been at most, atrociously passive. i was restless, hence decided to use this beautiful slot of time to do some medicine instead. cardiology has been great, neurology is ahmazin' :)

due to being overwhelmed from days of heavy reading, i went out to get a breather today. breather was nice, i ferociously read a book over lunch, lunch being feeding myself forkfuls of apple oatbran muffins just in case my stomach decided to eat itself. muffin is good, i think, haha. i poured over running mags, checking out the new runners for post marathon.

anyway. a little about the book
My reading was Ben Carson's Gifted Hands, he is a brilliant man. My heart was swelling with happiness and inspiration. The book was a gentle reminder, an affirmation of sort.
i love it. each and every page. i haven't read such a magnificent book in a long long time, thank you book luck!
i need to start writing a list of books for mom to get from me from KL! either that or amazon, the latter is not an option, i'd go broke too soon.

reading is so fun. i am doing an attachment in a bookshop for the christmas one week holidays.

darn it's late! tomorrow is ENT learning, i am a little bit scare as i do not know what water i am threading. i hope i will like it! makes learning so much easier when i like it. therefore, nighty

decision

2010-11-11T13:46:00.000-08:00

finally decided. though not vehement at this point, things will at least have a sense of direction, it feels good.

i pray that,
god bless this decision made, while inhaling the wafts from piping hot coffee and the pitter patter of rain. so it should be right.
god bless this path to grow bigger and stronger each day for greater things awaiting.

*
it's been a super good week.

now i deserve some high energy music, hard tempo run and scalding hot bath. decision making is hard man

i think some reading is high in the list for the weekend :):) makes me happy just sayin' ya know?

medicine and 30km

2010-11-07T06:13:00.000-08:00

what is it about piping warm bread and Milo that always calms this heart? for both, the denser the better, a fail proof method to ground myself back to base.

so far into learning medicine, i have had it pretty well, in many ways. i have been lucky i think, i have been lucky enough to have really amazing people accompanying me along the way, thus far. especially during times when frustration crept upon me and whenever i doubted myself and everything i worked hard for, life has always been generous enough to send me people whom, i could never quite believe at first- can really be that amazing. it's easy to get flustered and overwhelmed doing medicine, with the colossal workload staring right in your face all the time, and the not quite up to par results on a day to day basis that .. sometimes really hurts a tad. i realised a few months into my cinical years that, the best way to do this is to pace myself, and to run my own race. i learnt how crucial it is to rejuvenate each day, to take things one step at a time, and to be thoroughly focus for each and every step along the way, i learnt to learn better. i learnt that making effort to take care of myself carries me a long way, and sleeping enough is key. eating right and eating enough makes a huge difference and to consult and ask for help whenever i need it. i learn to surround myself with the people i love and who inspire me to work harder for medicine, because i realise how a seemingly 'nothing-much' chat with them could be the one thing i really need to carry me through a rough patch. and i became okay with the idea that people might hate me for what i do, it doesn't really make too much of a difference in life anyway, and yet i am happier when i don't care to please everyone.

yesterday on the longest run in my running history i started thinking a whole lot about how i perceive and handle things. about how much of a worry wart i can be. about how much of unbased doubts i can have regarding me and the things i do. and people. about how i always want to -get things over with. oh golly, loads and loads of reflection, 3 hours is way too long! anyway, i came out with changes i want to make, slowly but surely i think i will get there.

i believe if i keep working at it i could make it. i vividly remember being a girl doing 20minutes round in central park saw a hot Columbia freshman running beautifully(kinda), got inspired to push myself through, worked doggedly at it for 18 months or so and did my first 30km yesterday, without being told, without being pushed by a race or others holding me accountable, and i got through with the pain. this amazing 30km gave me unbelievable strength and confidence, just like each of my run at five in the morning which allow me to trust that i am capable to make each of my day count towards something bigger. in life or in medicine.

i am getting emotional about the marathon i am doing soon, it's the craziest and the toughest thing ever, and i did my longest training run two days ago so technically i am done with the hardest training. come on, imagine, like, how do people run 42 km, no, seriously, how can people go on 5 hours just putting one leg in front of another one billiion times?! i have totally noooo ideaaa, i would tell you if i survive it i promise.

6 intense months, and it's maintainence, eating clean and tapering from here, lastly picking up my bib and jersey next week, clean up my playlists, do a few days of carb loading, before PBIM. i don't want to be nervous about it, i just want to savour the whole process and be stronger each day.

till then, gonna read a book! :):)

2010-11-03T07:23:00.000-07:00

it's kinda sucky to get major-cringed-induced marks on a subject you love. even worse if you put your heart into it, well, not for the exams per se but the work as a whole.

i wallowed a bit. but it's good, a kick in the ass to get me scurrying forward. more practice, more practice, more practice. i know the drill, i just need to stop permitting resistance to get the better of me.

buckle up now, no one says it's gonna be easy anyway.

about certain things

2010-10-31T06:47:00.003-07:00

winning moments are the times when i opened the fridge and with great will grab a bunch of spinach; and NOT making the 3020th peanut butter sandwich ever since i moved in here.

they are also the times when i make myself a chickpea salad, nestled my butt firmly in the nicest chair in the world, and catch up with journals. although most of the time i got carried away with biographies, obituaries, perspectives and more biographies, instead of review articles haha oh welllll

yesterday morning while my family is fast asleep from a late night, i woke up at four and put on a cute running shorts. my nose was blocked i was feeling extremely blah but the fear and reverence for 26.2 miles carried me to the training ground. i don't know what happen, i felt crazy. i felt even crazier when i stuffed my face with half a walnut bread in front of a breadseller during mid-run and went on to ask her to hold the other half for me. and told her i would come eat it in an hour. i did. my strawberry flavoured powerbar gel taste super horrid, it was something like the thickest cough syrup goo made for halloween pranks.

i think i will miss training once its over

i said i missed reading. so saturday night i decided to get decadent with reading because i missed it so much. i bought a new book, it was one i coveted days and nights but the paperback just wouldn't show itself. i didm't want to settle for another one so mom bought it for me :) yay mom's cool. i combined couches, stacked pillows, blankets and comforters and made hot milo and hot bread, it was the most comfy reading nest i have ever built and that- was the best 3 hours in a long long time. i fell asleep reading :)

can i be 5 again? big shiny eyes

this is a birthday weekend. we ate lots of amazing food. the fried mozarella was so good, so was everything else. two little boys were missed. being drove around is the most amazing thing in this world, after running.

today i saw the 1920s Napoleon hill talking. on youtube of course. he's the man, period.

i am going to bed and hope next week will be a breeze. this girl needs more proteins and more greens, more tenacity to do all that is in her books, more happiness and less blocked nose. i hope i surprise myself somewhere next week.

xx

2010-10-29T03:59:00.000-07:00

i was mopping the floor when i saw the my favourite book underneath my bed. i am so happy. this weekend i plan to steal a few hours to roll myself with my comforter and get lost somewhere in the middle east. the book is the kite runner

they are here!!

2010-10-26T08:02:00.000-07:00

things, i would say, have been more than good. a relaxing weekend parenthesized with an exam and a new rotation, with work constantly nagging at the back of my head. i also renewed that stale emotion i had, recently, about running. it's like a bad boyfriend.

home felt awesome. family will always be the best thing ever. my tantrums were entertained haha.

i finished surgery happy, and weary. (surgery too is another bad boyfriend) in the midst of never ending sighs, complaints and everything negative i get daily in medical school, i am grateful to seniors that took me aside to offer really needed encouragement. 6 weeks of surgery was super intense, exciting yet super frustrating at times and so much more room for improvements.

now ophthalmology feels super intense and exciting and extremely hard too.

maybe that's the reason why i love medschool so much.

bless a few more weeks of hard work, two more long runs and i hope dearly, a marathon.

happiness is a cup of coffee and a good surgical handbook

2010-10-17T07:08:00.000-07:00

ten minutes to do a little navel gazing because i feel really happy that i made it through today!

FACT : 4 more weeks to running a marathon and i have not reach 30 km.

i panic the week in taiping. because elaine got robbed and i felt threatened/invaded/ scared and gave up doing those early morning runs. i was a zombie in taiping. my brain didnt wake up before noon. i panic all week this week. i was compromising my mileage because i wanted the early mornings in the wards. how do you choose surgical rounds and 2 miles?! i panic on saturday morning. because they came and i didnt do my long run. i panic again on saturday evening, because i tagged mom and her friend for a run in a new park and i was huffing and puffing uphill it wasn't quite right. i amp myself yesterday night with my new book, and i did what used to work- i got in touch with all the people that would hold me accountable for 30km.

with so much apprehension, i tried my best today. it wasn't even a race, but 30km is something i needed to have under my belt before i cranked out 42km in a month's time. i needed to have that voice inside me that says yes i should be able to do this no problem.

thing is, i didnt quite reach the 30km mark today. despite that, i felt really happy. i struggled and struggled and struggled through 2:35m, it was horrible. i tricked myself, i lied to myself, i coaxed myself into doing a little bit more by eating a fruit jelly on the way, guzzled manna aka isotonics and limped home with a body severely depleted of glycogen. today i hurt bad, i chaffed at places i never thought i would, my lungs burnt, my legs swelled and hurt like mad, and i have got two beautiful blisters, fluctuant and transilluminable, hee. today i slept thrice, i ate a whole papaya, i drank 7L and i bathed 4 times because i was burning and hurting, and bathing hurts all over because i chaffed too much.

SO FUN.

running is a horrible thing to do. i hate running. i hate anything more than 60 minutes, i hate the treadmill. i hate training for hills because it's inhumane. that week to SJH when i need to traverse the brige, the penang bridge hump right in the middle scares me and i needed to slow my car down.

i think beta endorphine makes people mad.

yet i already plan another 30km post osce. it'd be so good (yeah right snort)

who says life have to make sense?

i am off to read about why other people run. i spent 50 bucks on that book!

notta benne: today felt like i caught up with life. everything fell back in place.

2010-10-13T08:53:00.000-07:00

i told mom yesterday about how my days and nights are merged into this big bracket of time.

and all i do in these days and in these nights, is trying really hard make myself less harmful to the people whom i will tie my heart strings around, very soon.

today i sat with a woman that i thought resembles my grandma so much, with her jade bangles and big hair, and those pink cheeks and child liked innocence. i loved her at first sight, i just kinda wanted to talk to her. even though braced with a certain degree of emotional detachment which comes with some time spent being around the really sick...i still had to fight back tears when i felt all the heat radiating from her chest through her clothes, when i felt those goddamn tethering and nodes. no one tells her yet what she has, and i don't know what to tell a lady like her. i don't know how mr cheong do this all day long. i think he's amazing. i just asked her to come back quick if she feel breathless, and i hope this pleural effusion will go easy on her. bless her.

perhaps i lost someone in the family to breast cancer before, or perhaps i am a girl myself. dear god, why must it be this way?

big fat emo day
------
i felt so much calmer these days. i weight a few things really heavily, and care much lesser about the rest. frustrating things happened, i still refuse to put up with any sort of shit just cos it's the easy way out and i still work really hard. period (.)

feels like home

2010-10-02T17:47:00.000-07:00

我們都像小孩般，很容易迷路
走在娑婆的旅途，總看不清楚
一直跟著輪迴轉，感到很無助
娑婆世界的迷惑，何時才能擺脫

如今佛陀雖不在，佛法依然在
奉行佛陀的教誨就像佛陀牽著我的手
讓佛陀牽著我的手

有佛陀明燈照著我

慈悲的佛陀微笑著
在那彼岸等著我

5 more to taper

2010-10-01T19:54:00.000-07:00

another 5 weekends.

to the marathon.

i just did my long run at the usual place. there would be 4 more to go before taper, and i am freaking out.

today i set out to do 20 miles, but it didn't happen. i quitted around 15miles, i thought i couldn't carry on anymore. i even took an electrolyte gel just to convince myself i am physically strong to finish it, but i just.. cannot to do the 5 miles. i don't quite know why. walked back to the car and felt really really dejected, it was some kind of disappointment, drove back in dazed. i thought maybe i didn't have enough sleep, maybe it's the rain, maybe i am soaked all over in rainwater and maybe i am sad because i ruined my phone.. i came up with all kind of reasons, but, truth is, deep down, i know i just am not mentally strong enough to pull through 20.and, errr, truth sucks.

it was pouring hard followed by a long drizzle this morning, i was only dry during the first 2 miles, after that it was suuuuch a huge downpour for an hour, but, it was so much fun running in the rain!!! i plunged into puddles with courage, made a fountain out of it and flicked rain off my face like a dog, it was really cool, it reminds me of those dublin days when i couldnt feel my nose, and it was very funny seeing people cowering under gazebos and ran with an umbrella or rubbish plastic, haha! and the highlight of my run is ( yeah, every run has a highlight) when that old man friend came and join me during the drizzle for awhile, he's all wet also. haha!! there was only a few of us left today, one day i hope to talk to the tiny old man, he's too cute.

Now, i need to douse my sorrow of not having the guts to do 20miles by plenty of surgery. and loads of hot coffee to calm my heart. truth is, i don't know how the hell i am going to do 26.2miles in this state, yet i really want to make it a dream come true. oh, so torn. Argh! therapeutic dose of surgery infusion, stat!!!

words

2010-09-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

Yet in our supposedly mundane lives, going through times of great adversity, the Heroic emerges. People fight cancer. People fight misery. People persevere in the face of ruin. Bruised and tattered and self-aware they cope with incredible pain, or pass honorably having so endured.

I sometimes wonder if I should write one-word prescriptions instead of, or in addition to, medicines to stabilize a tempestuous mood. Should I dispense “citalopram 20 mg 1 tab po bid #30” with my right hand, and “Courage” with my left?

In tense moments of my own life I often resort to focusing on one-word manifestos. I meditate on the heroic qualities of literary characters, family members, patients I’ve seen walking the plank before me. I try to drown out the internal anxious dialogue with a mantra-like ohm.

Bravery. Resilience. Strength. Beauty. Courage. Hope. Faith. Endurance. Light.

Perhaps these most powerful assemblages of letters deserve a mystical place on prescriptions, helping to conjure walls of stone in the besieged minds of those who meditate upon them?

so beautiful

--------
today is a wonderful day because it's the birthday of 2 of my favourite people, my brother and a good friend :)

of recent,

2010-09-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

the drive across the bridge have been breathtaking

days are hectic and i couldnt function without my planner. i napped about 4 times a day

today i was stumped at how could i get to the hospital in a minute right after college. it felt insane/impossible and i really didnt know it's possible.

i am still not quite there in surgery

i did alot of physiology in the past month, i joined a competition which is the worst one ever in my 23 years of life. but in the process i relearnt alot of new words which roll nicely on the tongue, and is really fun to say because it sounds really smart. i hope i remember them forever.

i developed a little liking to writing up cases. it didnt feel as painful anymore. inconspicous sign of growth.

i still pray all the time for better memory. dear god.

i had really amazing food in KL. it was... amazing. if i were a boy, i would eat fried chicken and sweet potato fries everyday. chicken floss and pancakes for breakfast every morning. something like that.

it'd be fun if i were a boy.

today is a good day because parkings turn up before my eyes

as long as 4 miles or so is done first thing in the AM, this week is going to be fab.

nighties.

shoestringed hearts

2010-09-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

today was the peaceful kind of happy that comes from simply showing up and doing the work, with the people who make sure you leave a better person than you were when you arrived.

i have a soft spot for the saturday running crowd, i really love them. it has been about 7 months or so since i am running in this place in this gorgeous weather, and i felt thoroughly grateful for each run that i get to it here. They started out as strangers who would quietly run along me, and with mutual understanding we pooled our collective determination, and without discussion (or air for discussion!) we took turns setting the pace. Whoever had more to give from one lap or one moment to the next offered it up and held us steady. Like a potluck dinner where everyone brings their best dish and shares the meal, we had more because we were together.it pulled me through the long hours and tiring miles, kept me positive and accountable, because somehow i just don't want to dissapoint that person i am running with.

training season is here, people are doing really long runs, getting stronger. and i am happy! it's nice to have company for the few hard weeks ahead.

There is something beautiful about working so hard in silence. Some friendships never get to the level where silence is comfortable, let alone productive or healing. Some friends will never be able to share discomfort without blaming or complaining. Some friends will never understand the unspoken commitment of not quitting. Some friends will never share the sentiment of watch-stopping, sweaty, palm-slapping victory. Some friends will never know that a paper-cone cold-water-cheers is even finer than a champagne clink. and these are people i don't know.

today i left with many smiles and nods from the people i have came to share a bond with, in silence. it just, made my day. i really love running, and they make it better.

midweek malaysia day holiday

2010-09-16T06:28:00.000-07:00

i couldn't take anymore reading. need some decompression so i shall write. i am thinking no one reads this anyway so i shall write for the fun of it.

today is a public holiday- because we fickle minded people had a hard time deciding on the date of our independence day. not complaining- midweek holidays are wonderful for playing catch up and theme du jour is physiology. 14 solid hours of physiology, my head is pounding like a metronome and i hope my organs don't talk to me tonight. i want to leverage this opportunity to get a firmer grasp on my basics(which is ridiculously appalling i kinda realised), and whatever come out of it at least i am relearning alot of very important material. i honestly don't know what was i doing in dublin two years back.

i eased myself back onto the treadmill today, starting slow after a short 3 days hiatus. still feeling very weak, but i can run and sweat already, the salty sweat felt yummy on my tongue, yay me :D the past 3 days when i was too weak to do my morning runs, i got so comfortable around the hospital and college, i didnt get any roaring hunger pangs, didnt get tired and dizzy at ten, my legs weren't heavy and sore, it felt so so awesome- im thinking i should take a break after the marathon.

but i could never do it. i would be so sad and depressed.

i cook for myself today after running. it was such a nice feeling to eat right. past few weeks have been a huge gorge feast ugh. i need to clean up the diet- putting on pounds would strain the knee, and i'd like to run painless for these building up weeks. it's saturday soon! so fast!!! another 17 miles with gels this time, big runs make me very excited.

sleep!